Monster blog

2005-09-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

I called Doc Wilson and he said to bring Monsa hand right in to be examined. That was easier said then done.

The problem was that monsa hand had time to think about going to the dentist and he decided that he had better things to do. So he hid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a small furry monster who can climb in the walls who wishes to remain hidden?

Things looked bad until my dear wife stepped in. Instead of trying to find the scared little guy she just sat down and talked to him.

She explained that we loved him and that we were hurting with him. She then said we would be with him the whole time and Doc Wilson is kind and would never hurt him.

After a few minutes of my wife's calming voice he finally came out and allowed me to carry him to the car.

The drive over was pretty solemn. Poor monsa hand was so scared that he was shaking. The trust he put in us was touching, and I hoped his trust did not get betrayed by pain.

This was the first time I have ever seen him so scared that he cried. All I could do was hold him and whisper gently to him how much we loved him.

2005-07-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

Monsa hand had been avoiding me for a couple of days. Since he is normally an outgoing little guy I was getting worried. So I went to someone who might know what was wrong.

"Theo, did I upset Monsa? He seems to leave the room when I enter."
She scrunched up her head and thought for a moment. "He told me not to tell, but he is hurting Biggy."
"Hurting?"
"His tooth. He was eating some chocolate covered peanuts and one was hard and it hurt his tooth. He says it aches and he's afraid."
Now this got my attention. Monsa hand was brave to the point of being reckless. "What is he afraid of?"
"He thinks if you find out he is broken he will have to leave. He's a big goofy."

So that was the problem. The poor guy thought that if I see he is "broken" I will make him leave.

"Monsa hand! Come here now!" I scooted Theo out of the room and when monsa hand peeked around the corner I motioned him to come closer to me.
"How are you doing guy?
"Ok." he muttered without opening his mouth at all.

"You know how much I love you. Don't you?"
"Yes" sniff
"What's wrong, you can tell me?"
He paused and I could tell he was gathering up all the bravery such a small body possessed and he opened his mouth.
"It hurts all the time and I'm afraid" Well since his mouth was open it came out "ig hurgs agg og the tige and i'g agraid"
I immediately found the problem when I touched his top middle fang.
"OUCHHHH!" he then bit me causing him to use his fang and cried out again.
"OUCHHHHH!
"Stop biting me shrimp." I picked him up and prepared to tell him the bad news.

"Guy. You have a loose tooth and we need to go see Doc Wilson so he can fix it."
"His one sad eye popped open at the word 'fix'.
"He can make it not hurt? Let's go now." he then jumped off me and took off for the door.

Thus our first dentist trip for monsa hand.

2005-06-08T09:20:00.000-05:00

Elizabeth had taken Theo to go perfume shopping. It seems even lady monsters have a need to look and smell nice for their guys. So that day it was just monsa hand and myself. To guys sitting there watching TV and talking about girls.

"But she says I have to bath daily. That's not right!" He wailed.
"You like her kisses?"
"Yes"
"Well then" I said "you better make her happy, and if that is one of the things that will make her happy then do it.
"Well she also wants to put up a horse picture in my nest. and that means I will have to take down a Curious George poster and I DON'T WANT TO!"
"You like her coming down here and spending time with you in the nest?"
He lowered his head and with a grin answered very honestly "Very much so. I do like"
"Well then you need to understand that it may become more then just your nest, it may become a nest for both of you. Would you like that?"
He scrunched his small forehead up and thought for a bit. "Will I have to paint the walls pink?"
"Probably not. But we may want to paint it a new color that both of you like, so you can share the walls with your posters evenly. Some of hers and some of yours. Does that sound fair?"
"Yes. " he then paused and I could tell he was trying to build the courage to ask me something.

"Theo and I have talked some biggy and we were wondering if she could move down here this weekend. If that is ok with you?"
"Of course it is. Let me guess. theo is asking the same question of Elizabeth right now?"
"Yep! We thought it best to ask separately. Us guys and the girls"

So Saturday we took his posters down, painted his walls a nice shade of Reeces peanut butter cup orange, and moved her stuff down. I really think they were a little embarrassed. But my wife and I were very happy. Monsa had finally found true love.

"You know dear" my wife said "soon there may be little furry ones running around"
Oh No.

2005-05-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

"Biggy?"
"What?"
"Thanks for letting Theo move here. She makes me really happy"
"Sure do like those kisses, don't you."
"Gentleman do not talk...but yes I do. They tickle."
"No problem"

2005-05-11T17:59:00.000-05:00

Boys and girls. It seems that boy monsters and girl monsters have some differences.

The fangs. All monsters have smaller teeth like molars and such. Almost what some would call milk teeth. But for a monster they are not worth even thinking about. The only real teeth worth anything are their fangs. Now guy monsters have six in total. Three on top and three on the bottom. Why six? No idea. The girl monsters have four. I know this because Theo only has four and a call to Doc Wilson verified that four was the correct number for her. Again why? No idea. It is just how they are.

Now even their claws are slightly different. Monsa hands claws are about as twice as wide as Theo's, but not as sharp on the tip. Theo's are sharper then my best knife. I know because one day when she grabbed a piece of chocolate from my dessert plate I grabbed her. Well as any monster would she started to defend "her" chocolate. That was painful to say the least, but I did get it back. Not sure if it was worth the punctures, but it was mine.

Now the main thing is chocolate. Doc Wilson, and David all agree that monster hands are born with an insatiable desire to eat and horde chocolate. That can be used to an advantage. While they will work to make some money to have me buy them chocolate, they will work twice as hard for the chocolate.

Metabolism. Wow. I found out their bodies have some strange things going on in it. When Elizabeth shaved Monsa hand for entering the shower with her his hair grew back in seconds with a little rogaine. I also found that medicine is super fast in them. Once Theo had a headache and I offered her a childrens asperin. She took three licks from it to see if it was good and wham! The headache was gone.

Breakfast is another example. They will eat it all in a hurry, and yet by the time I finish they have unplumped, and are asking for more. I truely envy them for that ability. They will be chubby one second and burn it off in just minutes.

So the monsters, for me, are a learning experiance. I think overall I am doing a good job as a dad to them, but figuring out what is going on with them is half the battle.

But I would not exchange it for anything.

2005-05-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

Breakfast is an ritual every morning. It normally goes like this.

I grab some eggs to scramble some for all of us. Theo or Monsa hand, whomever is closest, reminds me to get the chocolate syrup for their portion. Even if I have it in my hand they remind me. I then scramble up a batch of eggs and start two pans on the stove. Two eggs in one for them, and 6 eggs in the other for Elizabeth and I.

They then watch carefully to make sure I do not short change them in the syrup department.
"More! More!..Just a little more. Ok!" It is like a line from a script the recite every morning. My wife just reminds me not to burn ours while I deal with theirs. One time and she never lets me live it down. That and the time I added bleach to a load of laundry. She has a long memory.

I then take the plates to the table loaded with eggs and toast. By the time I get to the fridge and pour some milk for us and return their chocolate eggs are gone. They then just lay there like bloated ticks with bloated bellies. A look of chocolate nirvana on their faces. Bellies full of the eggy-chocolaty goodness I prepared.
By the time my wife and I finish they are ready for more and remind me, over and over.

I then counter-remind them that I never cook them extra eggs so why do they keep asking.
"Because one day you might". Then they scurry off to do whatever they do while I am at work.
Every day the same small circus occurs in our kitchen. Like a well practice play. They know their lines and I know mine.

2005-04-28T00:04:00.000-05:00

hi. i am theo and i live here now, i moved here cause i like monsa hand
i have my own pink nest but i get scared at night so i stayed in biggys room
but he farts in his sleep a lot and it is real bad
so now when i am scared i stay with monsa hand at night
he does not fart at all in his sleep
i like the fish next door and we feed them every day
elizabeth is really nice to me, she lets me use her perfume whenever i want
elizabeth does not fart at night so i like her more
i have pictures of dogs on my wall, i like dogs but biggy will not get one
he says they make him sneeze
i can write really good because david taught me how to
i also like to write to david in florida where he lives now

theo

2005-04-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

Well true love has blossomed here in the Biggy household all due to an electric storm.

My wife and I first made the discovery that Theo was very afraid of lightning and thunder during the first storm we had. It had been going on for just a few minutes when I felt her touching my hand gently. I looked over and saw a very scared Theo.
"Can I stay in here tonight?" The scared look on her face was sad to behold.
Well of course I said she could. My wife and I got a small throw pillow and laid it between our pillows and she rested there during stormy nights.

She was suffering a little insecurity and the storm just was too much at the time. Every once in a while I would feel her reach over and lay a small pad on my shoulder to make sure we were still there. Normally right when the storm ended she would shuffle off back to her nest in the guest room. It became such a regular occurrence that when storms were expected I would go ahead and lay the pillow there even before she came in the room.

Until that one night.
A large noisy storm had started early that night so when my wife and I went to bed we got the small pillow out and laid it down. We knew she would show up when she needed the company.

My wife woke me up by shaking me. "Wake up. Wake up gunner, Theo's not here and the storm has been going on for an hour. Go check on her. Now!". So as the good husband I went to go check on her. Why my wife couldn't was beyond me, but a husband has to do what he has to do.
When I got to her room I noticed that her nightlight was off. She always slept with it on. Monsa hand had even picked it our for her. It was a Curious George nightlight. She was also just a bit timid of the dark. I looked in and noticed one thing. She was gone. Her stuff was there, but not her. So walking through the dark I started checking each room and whispering her name. I of course went right to the kitchen to start with to see if she was into the chocolate. But no luck.

Then it hit me.

I walked down stairs and looked quietly into Monsa hands nest area. There she was. Monsa hand must have pulled a pillow off of the couch for her because there she was asleep next to monsa hand. He was asleep on his curious George doll. But since I was not there to comfort her she had reached out in her sleep and had her small arm laid upon his. They looked so small and in love in that simple pose.

I just backed up and walked upstairs with out a noise. I informed my wife that love was in the air and all was well with the two furry ones.

2005-04-26T12:32:00.000-05:00

Well today was a good day, well at least it ended good. Monsa hand broke a basic rule today and it could have turned out very bad but didn't.

It started, from what they told me, when Monsa hand wanted to show Theo the Koi in the pond next door. He has always looked at them as sort of his. Now I had always told him to make sure he stayed out of sight of others because some people would react badly to monsters. He understood it and was real good, but this time he slipped.

"that's the smallest one there and that's the biggest one there. It is almost all orange" Monsa was telling Theo about the Koi because he could identify each one individually. Although they were in the neighbors backyard I allowed him to visit if he was careful.
"Did you name them? Because you have to name your pets." Theo, because she considered the dog that lived next to her as her pet was the authority on pet management.
Yes. The big one is named George because I like Curious George and I like the big fish the best. He's big"

Well this is when it happened. From behind, and above them a voice spoke out. "since the big one is a girl she may not like a boy name like George."
Theo said they twirled and was about to run when the person spoke the words that would control every monster on the planets.

"Want some chocolate?" There stood Mrs. Kane holding out in her hand two small chocolate bars. She sat them down and backed up and sat down on the edge of her porch.
"I thought there was only one walker living nearby, but it looks like you have found a friend. I'm Mrs Kane, and you are?"

By now they were chomping on the candy bars and through full mouths muttered their names.
"Monster hand and Theo. That is a nice pair of names. My uncle, when I was so so young, had a pair living with him and Aunt Polly. They were named Red and Rose. I loved going over their to visit. I was the only niece that knew they lived there. I accidentally dropped a chocolate bar one day and before I could pick it up the two had run out from under the couch, grabbed it, and were chanting 'finders keepers' and refused to give it back. That was my first experience with them."

By now the two were sitting there just looking at her. Candy bars do not last long with those two eating machines.
"are you going to be mean to us, we were warned never to let others see us. I think Biggy is going to get mad."
"Well since you returned the Koi you took that day.."
"Gunner made me. I wanted a pet but he yelled at me and made me take it back. I even had a bowl of water for it to live in"

"..well yes, but they do need a large pond, and friends. Listen. Do you want to be the Koi's friends?"
Theo and Monster Hand had to think for only a second
"Yes! Yes! We will be there friends!"

"Good. Come by every day and I will have some food set out here on the back porch in a small bowl and you can feed them. Also if any look sick come in and tell me right away. OK?"
"OK!" With that they ran back here to our homestead to inform me of their new friend and their very big responsibility.

So know I can be a lot less afraid when they go next door to look at the fish. I will always be scared that one day someone may take them from us, but for now all I can do is protect them as much as I can

By they way. George the fish is now Georgina the fish

2005-04-01T09:41:00.000-06:00

They paused as they thought about what I had said, then they reacted just like I knew they would.
"Arrrggghhhhh!!!!!" throwing themselves down they burst into tears. Here it comes.
Those poor chocolate loving monsters were experiencing the bad part of day after celebrations.

The day the candy sales end.

"They are all mean and should go to jail!" wailed Theo with monsa hand throwing in his "They're all poo poo heads" for good show.
Now to tell the truth I was not upset for them. I had already gone through this with monsa hand the week or so after every Day After holiday.

They spend weeks earning money just waiting for the sales to occur. Then when their money runs out, and I will admit I buy most of it because they have no real concept of cost, they go into hysterics. So for me the next week will be filled with sad monsters weeping about how life is so cruel to them and them alone.

Day afters include every holiday that involves candy in any sort. Halloween, Easter, Valentines Day, 4th of July, and Human Birthdays. Yes even birthdays. They demand that my wife and I have chocolate cake, and the leftovers end up in their bellies over the next few days. I have yet to finish a cake with them in the house. There are things you have to accept if you have monsters living with you.

So here I sit with two sad, despondent monsters weeping about the cruel fate that is their path in life. For them it is either feast, or famine. Today it is famine.

2005-03-28T22:49:00.000-06:00

happy day after
happy day after
i got a lot of candy
i like the chocolate eggs
they are not real eggs
the bunny is not real
theo got chocolate to
the green grass tasted bad
i ate to much
my stomach hurts
but that is ok

monsa hand not biggy

2005-03-27T10:27:00.000-06:00

Just looking at them sitting in front of me can make anyone happy. On the table sat two large Easter baskets full of the best sugary goodness that Hershey's and the multitude of other candy makers can deliver nestled in a pile of artificial green grass. They were wrapped in color cellophane and tied with a bow. My wife always enjoyed Easter and it is a big fun day for us.

Next to the baskets were two small furry mounds. My two small monsters, and what were they doing? They were staring at the baskets with a ferel look that implied that if I looked away for one second trouble would occur. The fact that they were drooling was a sure sign of a desperate chocolate starved monster. The fact that I had just gave them a whole candy bar each seconds ago had no bearing. If there is chocolate available, then they are starving.

"Guys? You don't have plans to eat any of my candy now do you?"
They both looked up at me and with angelic faces spoke words that had no truth in them. "No! We have no plans to touch them..mutter mutter mutter"
Ah! The famous "mutter". Monsa hand thought that if he muttered the words real low that they became law and he was covered. Trouble is I did not allow him to mutter.
"WHAT!"
"I...I...I said we had no plans to touch them, but we may EAT them" He gave me a big smile and they both turned back to resume their vigil on the chocolate offerings in front of them.

Now I knew that my basket had no chance of survival if left out so with a flourish I picked the baskets up and walked to the fridge. The fridge with a monster proof lock on it. In the baskets went and with a click I locked them away.
"UGLY!!" Well with that thrown at me they hopped off the table and scurried into the other room. Most likely to try for the millionth time to get into the fridge. The place where our chocolate, fudge, and cocoa resides. He will never get past the lock, but he will also never, never, stop trying.

2005-03-11T09:11:00.000-06:00

"Now sit there and do not say one word."
My dear wife was not just talking to me, but to all three of us. Monsa hand, Theo and I were quietly sitting there as she walked towards the fridge.
"Now look guys. I would not eat worms and you know better to believe half the stuff "biggy" tells you. Right?
They simply nodded and kept quiet.

She reached into the fridge and brought out a bag of baby carrots. The type she likes to prepare in the vegetable steamer. She also withdrew a whole carrot. Green stem and all.
"Now this is a carrot. You have seen bugs bunny eat them all the time. Right?"
They silently nodded.
"Now this is simply a bag of small baby carrots. They are not worms. You know what that means?"
They slowly nodded but I could tell they were not totally convinced. It was at this moment that I knew I would be on the couch that night.

I leaned down and in a whisper that even my dear wife could hear said the words that got me in the dog house "It means that she stole those baby carrots from their sad mommies. Then she eats them"
Theo's one eye got real large and she made a fast look towards my wife
"Baby eater?!?! Arggghhhh" and she took off like a rocket towards the door.
Monsa hand simply glared at me and started after her yelling "rule number
three, rule number three"

I also took off for the door, but I was a little to slow. The bag of carrots look small but when hitting the back of your own head it can hurt.
Again my job here was done.

2005-02-15T12:19:00.000-06:00

Well Theo and I had a great day today. It started when she marched into the room with Monsa shadowing her like he has for days.
"Biggy, I need your help please."
"What help?"
"I want to write Davy a letter and I need you to write it for me. Your pens are way too big for me. Davy always brought home pencils from bowling alleys for me to write with. "

So Theo and I went into the kitchen and we wrote a letter to Davy. She wanted to tell him that Monsa, My wife, and I were being nice to her and she was enjoying herself. She did have me write that I still farted in my sleep and she kept the door shut to her nest because of it, but I was still OK in her book.
At one point of the letter she crawled up onto my shoulder and whispered one part. "Tell him that monsa and I have kissed and I like him a lot. He's cute and I got him to clean his nest regularly."
"OK."

With letter in hand we went to the post office that night. I mailed it after she checked the address more than 5 times to make sure she had it right.
While she settled in nicely here in our home, letter writing became part of her way to stay connected to Davy.
And yes if you ask. I did go bowling the next week and brought home a whole handful of those weird small yellow pencils for her. Letters are personal and it was the right thing to do.

2005-02-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

PART ONE

"No I am not! Quit saying that! Where are you running to?"
When yelling occurs like this I almost tingle waiting to find out what is going on. Those two have caused so much excitement in the house that everyday is a small adventure.

I did not have to wait long. Into the room scurried two wide eyed monsa with a bit of a desperate look on their faces
"Biggy. Come quick. You won't believe what Elizabeth is eating." Theo just made a fake gagging noise when Monsa said that.
"What?"
"Just go into the kitchen now. It is horrible." With that statement they turned and ran out of the room. I followed behind to find out what they were talking about. I could see them down the hall looking around the corner into the kitchen. Not knowing what was going on I slowly approached the door and looked around the corner myself.

There sat my dear wife having a mid day lunch. In front of her was a nice bowl of small steamed baby carrots.
"See! See! She's eating worms"
Now carrots are not something that we have in the house often without being sliced up into something. And yes small long steamed carrots do have a worm like look to them.

I knew instantly what I had to do.
"Guys. Those are not worms she is eating."
"Really biggy?"
"Really. That is a nice big bowl of larva." I then bit my tongue to keep from laughing.
Their little eyes got real big as they looked up at me. A look of revulsion came over them.
"I like them also. Want some? They're pretty tastey"
With a scream they broke for the basement door moving as fast as their little legs could propel them.

Now my wife had sat silently this entire time. She finally spoke.
"You're going to give them bad dreams and I am the one who will end up staying awake with them, you little snot. I'm going to beat you tonight."
I simply turned and walked away. My job here was done.

2005-01-25T16:39:00.000-06:00

Theo has had a hard time getting settled as she has missed David badly. He sent her a card that she got yesterday and I thought she was going to cry when she opened it, but since then has been a bit more cheerful and I think happy to be with us.

I was getting ready to go out this morning and she came in while I was putting on my makeup. I don't wear a whole lot of makeup but I really need something or I wind up looking like I just crawled out of my own grave.

"What is that?" Theo asked.

"Makeup" I replied.

"What's makeup?" She asked, and I explained that it just helps to make me look a little nicer than I already do.

"Can I try some?" She had apparently never encountered makeup before as David's wife had passed away before Theo had come to live with him.

She tried my eyeshadow, my mascara, a bit of blusher, and lipstick. I will admit she went overboard but most girls do the first few times. I think she was having fun about it though because about the time we were both looking at her and discussing the effects Monsa walked in.

Theo had put on bright blue eyeshadow, heavy mascara, pink blush, and bright red lipstick. (A gift from Gunner, he really does not understand my tastes in makeup.) She was a bit startling because Monsa jumped when he saw her like he had been poked with a pin.

"Aagh, what did you do?!?"

"I like it." She replied. "How about I give you a kiss?" She then reapplied her lipstick, puckered her lips out at him and jumped down off the counter. He ran off down the hallway (screaming about cooties I think) with her in hot pursuit making kissing noises.

I think she is going to be fine.

2005-01-17T23:18:00.000-06:00

The trip over was rather exciting. Every block monsa hand would jump on me and ask if we were there yet. But he was worse then a kid because he used his claws for traction.

When we got there David welcomed us in but Theo was nowhere to be found.
David must have noticed me worry. “Don’t worry. She is saying goodbye to the dog next door. They have played together a lot. The neighbor is so near sighted that she thinks Theo is a cat or something.”

On the hall table was three small boxes. I knew instantly what was in one because Monsa Hand was sniffing it with a certain look on his face.
“You stay away from her chocolate. Understand?”
Backing away suddenly with a guilty look “Just smelling…looking at her boxes”
“Well quit looking” I noticed that David had already started to pack also. His walls were bare of photos and several large boxes were shoved into the corner.
“Heading out soon?”

“Three days. My niece is driving me down. She wants to hit the beaches and it gives her a right to be there. We both win.”

Into the room scurried a slightly wet Theo “He licked me again Davy. I told him not to but he did. Dumb dog” She stopped when she noticed us “Hi.”
She paused and then it hit her. We were there to take her home. But that meant she had to leave her home. Even for a full grown monsa that thought was hard. She took off for David and was up on his shoulder in a second. The look on her face was sad to behold. She did not want to go , but knew it was for the best.

“Will you take me to the car Davy?” I noticed that even my wife had red eyes. The only one who was not sad seemed to be Monsa Hand. He was happy because he got the girl of his dreams, but he did not understand the price.

Davy took Theo out to the car and my wife and I hung back to give David and her a little space. He helped her into the back seat and put her into the small area we had made for monsa hand. He leaned down and gave her a kiss on her head and a small scritch and walked away.

We all piled into the car and after our good-byes took off. Monsa hand was talking a mile a minute to Theo about all the fun they would have, but Theo just sat there. I never knew that something so small could seem so sad and unhappy.
“Theo? I have made a nice nest for you. You should like it. I painted it just for you. “ It was all I could think of saying. Sometimes in life there is just not enough words to make the sadness go away.

2005-01-15T14:10:00.000-06:00

she will be here tomorrow
i am scared
she likes me
biggy painted her nest
it is not pink
she will not like it
i do not like biggy now
i am giving her a chocolate cup
i hope she is happy
will she like it here
i am scared
elizabeth gives me hugs when i am scared
i need one now
we are going for her now

monsa hand not big stinky one

2005-01-01T01:17:00.000-06:00

"Pink! P. I . N. K. Pink! You're painting it all wrong.. She wont like it and she will move away! Girls like pink and it's all wrong" at this point he broke down and ran out of the room.

Now I knew I was painting her closet the right color. I had just got off the phone with David and he said her favorite color was green, so with a spare gallon of Irish green latex I was painting her new nest area and getting things spruced up for our new addition. Now if I could only convince Monsa Hand that girls liked more colors than just pink.

I could here from the other room monsa hand wailing his story to My Dear Wife how I was going to run her off and he would be miserable. I knew what would happen next so I just kept painting.

In walked my wife with THE LOOK.
"What are you doing to him now, and whatever it is quit!" she then kicked in the level two LOOK.

"I called David and the walls by Theo's nest are green because it is her color. She says it makes her eye look prettier. So her nest will be green and I will take the furry guy out tonight to pick out a nice green felt pillow to welcome her to her new abode."

"Well tell him, because he is on the edge of loosing it." She then walked out to find and console him.

A while after I finished painting the closet and got a fan to blow into the nest so clear any fumes and to help dry the walls. I saw Monsa Hand walk into the room with his head hanging down.

"Sorry Biggy."
"It's OK guy, but you have to understand that we want her here too. I am so happy that you found her and I know that you have felt lonely by yourself." I reached down and scooped the sad little guy up. "Want to help me finish her nest? I plan to go out and buy a nice pillow and a small light. Would you like to help me pick them out?"

This perked his head up "Yes!"
"OK, but you know the rules of going out."
"I know! I know! Never talk to anyone, stay in your pocket, and don't pee in it either."
"Yes! Remember the last one, you forgot last time."

2004-12-28T09:45:00.000-06:00

Dropping off Theo the next day was tough on the little guy. I can say I was so proud of him. At one point he snuffled a little in the car but he held up nicely.

When we got to David's she took off and ran up his arm and went right to his ear and started to whisper. With a wicked smile on his face he whispered back so even we could hear him. "A lot of people fart in their sleep Theo." At that point My dear evil wife and David started to laugh.

Theo, thinking they might be laughing at her wailed "but it was real bad ones!". She jumped off David and ran into the other room followed by Monsa hand. I just stood there. Slightly red faced, and allowed them their moment of levity.

David, my evil wife, and I sat down to plan Theo's permanent move to our place. She, like all monsas, had a nest of her things that needed to be moved. Well, with her packing and our schedule, we decided that this coming Tuesday would be the best day for her to move.

Now I will say I was a little worried about the domestic situation. Theo and Monsa hand loved each other. Monsa, from a youthful romantic crush point of view, and Theo, from (I believe) a true romance point of view. I have no idea if they would work so my wife and I decided to help her set up her nest in the closet of the spare bedroom.

So with plans in head we rounded up Monsa hand, who was working hard to sooth Theo's hurt feelings, and headed home.

2004-12-08T13:56:00.000-06:00

My wife walked in on us three having our breakfast and was stopped in her tracks.
"Are those eggs?"
"Why yes they are honey, and mighty delicious to boot" I then shoveled a great big glob of my salsa eggs into my mouth.
"mf mms msd mffm mfmf"(translated- "and that's the last bite") I sputtered as I chewed.
She had walked over and stood in awe as Monsa hand and Theo was nibbling on their own Chocolate scrambled eggs supreme.
"I thought Monsa hated eggs?" She looked at me in awe "Did you bribe him? Did you threaten him!?!?!"

Theo hopped up "It was me.He thought chickens were in them. He's silly. I told him that eggs were good and other stuff. "
"Other stuff?"
"Every bite I take she gives me a kiss on my cheek" With a mischievous look he took another super small bite and grinned. "She owes me 10 kisses already."
"She bribed him, not I. Now I can have poached, hard boiled, and scrambled eggs till I cluck like a chicken."

Well that sent the little ones off into gales of laughter mixed, with them and I clucking towards each other.
"Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!"

So Monsa hand got a lot of kisses from his green eyed girl and I got my eggs. A good weekend overall!

2004-12-04T13:44:00.000-06:00

"you're not making the eggs right." and "Davy does the toast better" and on and on.
While I was happy Theo was there the next morning for breakfast I will admit she got underfoot a lot and was VERY opinionated.

"Davy shaves the chocolate for my eggs, you use chocolate syrup and that's not right" she said that and shook her head in disapproval.
"Fine" I set three eggs in front of her "You do it" and went over and sat down at the table. As I picked up my buttered toast I looked over at her. To say she was shocked and very unhappy would be an understatement.

"But the eggs are to big for me" She was now trying to lift one over the edge of the pan, with little success. Now size wise this would be an egg the size of a footlocker for you or me.
"Well it seemed you did not want mine so you do it"
"I did. I did. I just.....You do it differently then Davy's and it looks strange."
I paused because she was starting to look worried.
"Will you at least try mine? You might like it"
"Ok." but she gave me the look I new so well from Monsa hand when I had him try new things. Total suspicion. "I try yours, but I not going to like it probably"

Breakfast was a lot better then I hoped it would turn out as. She finally admitted the chocolate syrup in the scrambled eggs was better then the chocolate shavings David puts in his, but she said the same syrup made the toast soggy and melted chocolate would be better. I agreed, after checking with Monsa hand as the house chocolate expert..
He didn't care though.
He hardly ate his chocolate toast at all., he just sat there and gazed lovingly at her with the pure love of youth.

Gag.

2004-11-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

I awoke with Theo gently patting my nose. Opening my eyes I realized the bed was shaking. I looked over at my wife who, strangely enough, had her head buried in her pillow and was muffling intense laughter.
I turned my head back to Theo "May I help you?"
"Yes. She said to ask you" she cleared her throat. "please stop" She then looked at me with a serious intent.
"stop what?" when I said this my wife started to almost thrash with laughter.
"She said you're the one to ask to stop farting in your sleep. Ok?"

My wife was loosing it over on her side now, even grabbing my pillow to cover her head.
"It's really bad and I can smell them down the hall" her nose crinkled. "So please stop"
"I'll try, but you might want to shut the door also"
"Good idea!" She hopped off the bed and scurried out of the room. A second later the bedroom door was gently pushed shut.

My wife, while still laughing at me came out from under the pillows. "Now go to bed stinky"
A nice pillow fight ensued.

2004-11-23T15:28:00.000-06:00

We got there late, but David said he understood. Theo is a very sweet little monsa, and just as pretty as Monsa hand kept saying that she was. She really liked her gift. They played while we talked with David.

“How long till you move to Florida?”

"Oh, I have a certain amount of leeway there. I need to move soon, but want to be sure that ya’ll and Theo will be OK. I know that this is going to be difficult for her.” I had to agree, I know how much Monsa loves us. “I know that you are probably worried about having another monsa in the house, but I believe that you will see that girls have a civilizing effect on the guys. I really don’t know how you have managed with just a single boy in the house; they are really quite a handful.”

We talked about monsas for a while, and he told me about how he had met his first ones. We discussed monsa’s fascination with chocolate over Yankee pot roast, and the difficulties involved in raising monsas while enjoying triple chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting, and chocolate chip ice cream. The monsas particularly loved dessert.

I agreed to let her spend the night to see how things worked out, and so we asked her if she wanted to come and spend the night.

She looked a bit nervous and worried for a moment, and once we had promised that she would be coming back in the morning, agreed. Monsa hand was delighted, and then looked moderately terrified for a moment.

On the way out the door he scurried up my arm and asked me if I could show her around the house while he cleaned his nest.

CLEANED HIS NEST!!!!

Maybe having a girl around won’t be such a bad thing.

2004-11-08T11:39:00.000-06:00

"Monsa! Monsaaaa! Where are you". This was getting tiresome. We were supposed to have left an hour ago to be at David's by 6 but Monsa hand had disappeared on us. I was checking the downstairs and my wife was checking the upstairs. I thought he might have been mad at us, he had hidden before when real mad about being grounded, but that wasn't the case this time.
"Monsa! I am going to keep looking until I find you so come out now or else" I said this in my drill instructor voice.

"No! Go away" The small voice came out from under the furnace in the corner. So I threw down a tarp and laid down and looked under it. Huddled way far in the back was a dark form in the shadows.
"Scared?"
"No! I don't get scared. I just don't want to go out tonight" His small voice said much more then his words ever did. He was scared. Scared of failing and not winning the heart of his green eyed girl with the bow. He was going to meet her for the first time formally and he was not sure what to do.

"Listen guy. We talked about this remember. Act nice and be yourself. She really likes you, and I did see that kiss, I just didn't say anything" I found the whole things strange. Here I was on my belly talking a small scared monsa into going on his first date. Could it get any weirder?

I suddenly had a flash of inspiration.
"Yeah! Lets just stay at home. She's not the girl for you anyway."
"What?"
"Well for one she is rather ugly"
"No. She's pretty. I like her"
"Well if you are going to stay under there I will just have to call David and tell him to find another guy for her."
"What?"
"Yeah. He should have one by tomorrow." I started to get up "So I'll just call him and cancel for tonight. Does pizza sound good?"

Well that did it. Threaten to take his dream girl away and he will fight for her. He shot out from under the furnace faster then I had ever seen him move and hit the stairs running.
"No. No. No. No. She's mine."
By the time I got upstairs he was sitting by the front door holding his chocolate sampler box tied with the ribbon.
"I'm ready. Let's go"
So out to the car we went and our little guy started his first true date.

2004-11-02T17:35:00.000-06:00

Three times in one day. Normally monsa hand bathes once a day, more if he is messy and cleaning with my wife, but today he has bathed three times, and for a girl.

"Are you sure I look good?"
"For the third time YES!" darn he was nervous. "You looked good the first time, the second time, and now. Why are you bathing so much. We don't go over there for dinner for several days"
"I know. I just...I'm scared!" with that he scrunched his head down a bit and got serious.
"Biggy. I really like her and want to make a good first impression on her....that's what Doctor Phil says you should do."
"No more TV for one. Two. Quit using my cologne. You stink. Three...Monsa. She likes you too. You don't need to be scared. Come here."

As I was laying on the couch he crawled up onto my belly and sat down. I started to scritch him and put myself into the fatherly advice mode.
"You are a great monsa hand and she will like you, and if she moves here she will like the house. You do have your gift ready?"
"Yes!" He jumped off me and ran over to the closet where his nest is. A second later, with a lot of grunting, he pushed out a small sampler box that had a ribbon wrapped around it. I lifted him and it up to my chest.

"Want to know what's in her gift?"
Dumb question "Yes. Open it monsa"
With a little more flare then normal he brought out the items in it.
"Here are three of the bigger hearts and here are two white chocolate resees cups and here is some perfume..."
"Stop! Perfume?"
"Yeah." He pulled out one of those small tube samplers and showed me its label. Oscar. "Elizabeth gave it to me. She said girls like smelly stuff." Ah. Advice from the wife. Monsa hand thought good smelly stuff was old chocolate wrappers in his nest.

"Well that is a very thoughtful gift. I'm rather proud of the thought you put into it. So are you feeling better now?"
With a "yep" he took off and left me to my TV. A few seconds later I hear the water in the sink running again.

Four!

2004-11-01T13:05:00.000-06:00

happy day after
happy day after
i gave all my money to biggy
he is out getting me candy on sale
lots of it
i earn lots of money
i clean under things for her
she hated dust bunnys
she pays me
when he kisses on her
he pays me to go downstairs and watch tv
happy day after

monsa hand not big stinky one

2004-10-29T13:03:00.000-05:00

"No! No no no." My wife's face was a little scrunched up as she spoke " Gunner. The one we have is a handful and I don't know if I could handle another. I really don't think that would be a good idea!"

I had to act, and fast, because when she had made up her mind there would be no changing it. Perogative of a woman or not this was one argument I had to win.
"Love. Davy is moving and he needs our help. Theo is a nice young lady and may even have a positive effect. Monsa hand is a bit wild and a ladies touch may calm him down." I hope and pray that is "Could you just come to dinner and meet her?" I was desperate. Heck I was almost gibbering.

"No. Gunner, I just don't know.. I love Monsa hand and want the best for him, but two in one house is going to be too much. I don't know if we could afford another one."

She was right. Monsa hand breaks a lot of stuff in his desire to have fun, but the cost of him is not a major factor to me.
"Love. Two monsters will not be that much more..." I never finished the line because from between us on the table a small sniff arose.

We both looked down and there was Monsa hand holding the small piece of green ribbon. His one eye was larger then I had ever seen it. It was also red and tearing up as he looked up at us.
He raised the ribbon up so we could see it and with a frown on his face he whispered "But I found her. I.. I . I found the little blue girl and she likes me" He was fighting so hard not to cry. To him only girls cried, not boys. But just looking at him I knew he was loosing this fight.

"Monsa.." I started
"No! I like her a lot." he stopped to wipe his face and continued. "I love her and you don't and I don't like you no more!"
With a sob he grasped the small ribbon to his chest and rolled up into a small furry sad ball and laid there, all alone in this world.

There are times in this world when just one glance can say so much. I looked at my wife and she to me and the choice was made. Elizabeth reached down and with a well practiced act scritched his head just a little. The fur parted and one red eye poked out and he spoke

"Leave me alone."
Before he could reroll back into his protective fur ball she acted.
"Monsa? You know I love you, right?"
With a larger sniff then normal "No!"
"Well I do, and I will meet her, but if she is not a good girl I don't want her for you"

With something like a hair explosion he opened up and ran up her arm and embraced her neck. "I love you! I love you! I love you! She is nice and really pretty and she smells good, you'll like her."

With that said he just shut his eye and held on to my wife's neck ,
Later that day she told me that at that moment he started to purr.

2004-10-24T08:36:00.000-05:00

David and I sat there talking for 30 minutes or so about monsters and our lives with them. It seems he ended up with his first two monsters when he opened his mail box to get his mail and the mail box screamed out "Don't eat us!". His life took a bit of a twilight zone turn just like mine did.
"Our kids had grown and moved and there I was with two hungry crying little things and wondering if I had gone around the bend. Luckily my wife thought they were cute and took them under her wing. She was the unifier in our household."
"I agree. When monsa hand needs a little TLC because I have grounded him or something my dear wife is the one he goes to. She does mother him a little...Make that a lot."

We kept talking until interrupted by Theo.
"Davy." She tugged on his shirt sleeve a bit "Davy. I want to go home now please."
I noticed that she seemed a little sad now. Her voice had a bit of urgency in it. "Please let's go home Davy".
"OK dear. Hop into my pocket." She ran over to his jacket and climbed into the breast pocket and burrowed deep inside.
"Is she OK?"
"Yeah. She's just fine." He paused for a second. "She knows about me moving and her having to go somewhere else and when she starts thinking about it she gets a little depressed and clingy. Right now she needs a little time at home. I am going to talk to her some more about the subject. Theo knows it's best, she just doesn't like it of course."

"Poor little thing. Listen. Lets get together for dinner if that's OK with you. Got plans for Tuesday?"
"No. Hold on." He pulled a business card and quickly wrote something on the back. "Here is my home address. Drop by about 5 and I will have my Yankee pot Roast done. Theo really loves it.
"It's a date."

David was only gone about 5 minutes when my wife showed up.
"Goofing off I see. How is monsa hand ever going to find the ...." She stopped when she saw monsa hand sitting there. Not just sitting there, but sitting there holding a small piece of green ribbon in his arms.
"Guess who we found dear and guess where we are going Tuesday might?"
"She's going to move in with us. I love her!" he then hugged the ribbon even more.

"Arrggghhh! 5 minutes late and I miss everything."

2004-10-19T14:56:00.000-05:00

For a second after his comment I just sat there. I knew I had heard correctly, but not sure why I had heard it.
I said quietly so the monsas could not hear. "You want me to what?"
"Don't worry. She knows" He reached over to where the monsas where sitting and gave Theo a nice scritch on the back of her head.
"You see. I'm not a spring chicken anymore and I have decided to move to a retirement community in Florida. Theo has moved with me once but this time there seems no way for her to live there. Can you imagine the chaos that would occur with a community of 70 year old ladies with bad hearts and a small furry thing running around that talks. They would be dropping like flies. Not sure if that would be good for me, her, or them."

Up till now I was mainly just listening to him. He did go into some more details about why moving with Theo would be impossible. Everyone of them a good reason but I had to ask the question that needed to be asked.
"Does she want to move in with us?" We both looked over to Theo and the answer was obvious. There she was curled up next to Monsa hand asleep. He was next to her but his eye was open. His eye was happily just looking at he with a contentment that I had not seen before.
"I think she and he just made the decision for us."

"What does your wife think about Theo moving?"
"She passed away several years ago. During the first two monsas we had. She loved them. She was the one who found them and showed me that they were not just strange little furry mimics, but diminutive children."
"I'm sorry. I would have loved to meet her."

"I would love for her to move in with us, monsa hand even more so, but I need to throw this by my wife. Lets just say Monsa antics are a bit troublesome on the best of days. He alone is a handful, having two is a big step."
With a smile "Don't worry too much. The females have always had a great civilizing influence on the little guys in their life. You will most likely find him being much better behaved than ever before."
"Cool. I have a question. Does she like chocolate?"
His "Do bears poop in the woods?" was the answer I got and we then started to regale each other with tales of their antics and happenings.

2004-10-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

I turned to the new voice. Before me stood the driver of the other car. The one I saw for just a split second before rear-ending the car in front of me.
"Hi. Mind if I sit, my legs aren't as good as they used to be." With a nod from me he sat down in the other side of the booth.

"Hi Davy. See! See! I told you we would find him. I told you. There he is. There's Monsa hand. See." Now even Theo was smiling big. "I told you there was another monsa here." She then scurried over to "Davy" and in a whisper that even I could here said "I think he likes me. He's cute."
The violent nodding up and down of monsa's head in confirmation reinforced that obvious view.

"She calls me Davy but my name is David." We shook hands and got to know each other.
Turns out that Theo had smelled Monsa hand that day at the mall also but did not tell Davy for days. By then she was not sure what day she had smelled him so like Monsa hand and I they have been patrolling the mall on the weekends to try to find us.
"We had stopped coming by, but when she told me she saw one in another car we started back hunting."

By now Theo and Monsa hand had curled up next to each other and were whispering. Since the whispers were sprinkled with giggles from her every once in awhile I was not too worried about what they were talking about. Kids will be kids. Even ones with crushes on each other.
Turns out Theo was the third generation of monsas Dave had raised.
"Normally monsas kind of hook up with another right after birth and stay together forever, but Theo never found a little boy she liked for herself so she was raised single."

"Are there more in town?" This I really wanted to know. Poor monsa always seemed so sad and alone and I would love to introduce him to others.
"Yeah. There are some. I would say probably about a hundred total. Most live with families like you and me. I feel they think we serve them. Personally I know of only two other couples that have monsas right now."
Can you introduce me to them?" Now I was happy. Now I felt like I wanted to jump up and down like Monsa was earlier.
"Sure. No problem. But could I ask a really big favor of you?"
"Ask away."

"Well the main reason I am happy to see you, and for more reasons then just finding the "cute little brown walker" as Theo described him, I need you to take her please. I just can't keep her with me anymore."

2004-10-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

Seeing him and that ribbon took my breath away. He looked so happy. At that moment the world revolved around him and that small piece of green ribbon.

"Monsa?" I leaned down and looked him right in his eye. "Where did you get that ribbon?"
"She gave it to me" as he said that he hugged it closer to his chest and smiled. I have to admit here that he even seemed to purr for a second.
"And where is SHE?" I asked this and immediately started to look around at other booths and people. No one seemed to be paying us much attention and I saw nothing out of the ordinary.
As I was looking around I felt a small furry pad touch my hand. "What do you want monssaa...." I turned back

I never finished what I was going to say. There she was. Looking up at me with her one big green eye was the little girl monsa. My chest felt tight and I was honestly afraid to say anything to avoid scaring her. I mean here was the object of monsa hands dreams. Here was the little green eyed monsa with a bow in her hair. Well it was not in her hair now. Monsa hand was behind her holding it like a holy relic and smiling way to big for my likes.
"There she is biggy, there she is. She's pretty" Monsa hand was almost hopping now. His little body was not big enough for all the happiness and joy it was feeling right now.

"Is he going to faint on us?" With these words I almost laughed out loud, but I did give her a big smile. "No. I think he will be ok. But he has been wanting to see you for a long time. You do know he has a crush on you?"
"Yes. But he is cute and I like him. You know you might want to cut back on his soda intake." She paused for a second and then extended her front arm "Hello, my name is Theadora, but you can call me Theo." I reached out and shook her paw.

"My name is Gunner, you can call me biggy." Heck. Monsa calls me that, might as well have her call me that also.

"Are you with anyone?" I do not exactly think she drove herself here and she was seen in another car the last time.
"She's with me." came a large human voice from behind me.

2004-09-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

Saturday has become a very important day here in the house for monsa hand. Saturday was the day he smelled another monster at the mall and a tradition was born. 9 am when the doors open, I walk into the mall and stay until noon at which time my wife arrives and takes over the duty.

The duty is to patrol. While I wear a light jacket monsa hand rides on my shoulder near my ear sniffing the air, hoping for all he is worth that he will smell another monsa again. With little whispers of "nope, keep walking" I trawl back and forth giving him the chance to meet another one. By noon I am normally tired so I retreat to the food court and go to my regular booth in the far corner. It is isolated enough that monsa hand can crawl onto the table and, from behind my jacket that I lay on the table, view the people at the other tables.

With drinks and food we sit and talk. Dad and kid stuff until my wife arrives for the evening shift.

It has been over two months since he smelled the other monsa, and almost a month since he saw the little blue monsa "with the pretty green eye". He tries so hard to keep his spirits up, and we support him as best as we can, but time is getting to him and today he said we could skip the mall trip if we wanted.

"Are you OK small fry?"

"I really think there are no other monsa here for me in town." he seemed down when he said this. Well with promises of chocolate and caramel we went to the mall and I am so glad we did.

My soda was empty and since I am cheap I got it at a place that offered free refills. After standing in line for ever I finally returned with a filled soda to the booth when I saw him. He was standing on my jacket. Now this is strange because he normally is very careful about hiding. So there he was, in the open for all to see, and none had yet thankfully, when I saw what he was holding.

His one eye was glittering, and that is the only word that seems appropriate, and clutched in his folded arms was a small piece of Irish-green ribbon.

He looked up at me and whispered "She likes me, she really really likes me" he held up the ribbon for me to see "and she gave me this".

He was just quivering with joy.

2004-09-18T06:40:00.000-05:00

"He did it again" is normally followed by "I did not" even when he has no idea what he is being accused of. Normal kid.

For instance, take last night. We had just finished dinner and I was really anxious to get a slice of her caramel cake with whipped cream. There is not one single healthy aspect to it, and that's what makes it so good. My wife opened the fridge door (as keeping the cake cold makes it so much better). The second the door opened a small furry blur streaked out of the fridge and headed for the door.
"Stop"!! My wife is learning the advantages of a preemptive command strike.

Monsa hand slowed right at the edge of the door and came to a stop. "Yes?" While the innocence of the "yes" raised the hair on the back of my neck, the fact that he kept his back to us was all the proof I needed that he had done something wrong.
"Don't move an inch buddy" My wife slowly opened the fridge door. She and I knew he had done something, but what was the real question. Inside the fridge the cake was sitting there in all of its glory, with one small problem. All of the caramel seemed to have disappeared.

We turned in unison to monsa hand and I asked the question that I knew the answer to but it was one that still needed answering. "Monsa. Do you know where all of the caramel is?" As I said this I could see him tense about to leap for the door.
"Monsa? I need an honest answer. Did you eat the caramel?" The second I said that he relaxed, turned and looked at me. I now knew why he had kept his back to us. His face was covered from ear to ear in caramel and whipped cream.
"I did it." I was surprised by this confession. Normally he would be covered head to toe(pads?) in food and still deny that he knew anything.

At this point my dear wife piped in "Well you just told us the truth and I like that. So for now no punishment. But if you ever do it again full punishment and Biggy gets all of your white chocolate. Since I am biggy I was happy, but I was more impressed with that little guy. Maybe he is getting more mature, maybe he is finally growing up. Maybe he is scamming us with fake sincerity.
Now I'll really have to keep an eye on him.

But I still feel like a proud father.

2004-09-14T06:33:00.000-05:00

Found pinned to the wall of monsa hands nest

2004-09-13T07:10:00.000-05:00

Rule #3

Well, I have grounded Gunner. I have also set another rule into place.

Rule #3
If Gunner says anything that worries/upsets/frightens you, ask Elizabeth (Me).

Gunner, as much as I love him, has a soul full of mischief. And periodically it gets ahead of his good sense (such as it is).

I came home yesterday and suggested that we have Mexican for dinner. I had been craving chimichangas for a while and it just sounded really good for dinner. I did not expect the response I got from Monsa.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh!!!!!!!!!!!

"I don't wanna eat Mexicans. I don't wanna eat Mexicans."

And he went running toward the stairs to the basement.

I finally ran him down in his basement nest and asked him what was wrong. He said that Gunner had told him that the reason that different kinds of foods were called "Mexican" or "Chinese" or whatever was because they were used in the various dishes.

You have to understand that Gunner sometimes has a really perverse sense of humor. They had been watching some cooking show, and Monsa had not understood what some of the ingredients were that were going into the dishes. Mostly spices and things I think and that was when he told him what he did. I am sure that he thought Monsa would not take him seriously and would recognize it as a joke, but he had not. And Gunner had not corrected the misunderstanding.

Therefore, Gunner is grounded. He has surrendered all of his chocolate to Monsa. Monsa and I have gone to dinner for spaghetti (I can get a sampler plate and if I sit in a booth he is shielded from view and can have his own bit) and then a visit to a local chocolate makers outlet (he loves this place).

Gunner is cleaning the bathroom ... thoroughly. He will then clean the kitchen, finish the laundry, vacuum the living room, and dust (he hates to dust).

I hope he has a good time, I know we will.

2004-08-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

After the red heart fiasco we all sat down and had a family crafts night. Monsa hands total knowledge of girls and "I LUV U" stuff was from books. With that in mind we sat down and made stuff, and talked. Pulling the box of supplies out we made, cut, pasted, and laced the edges of dozens of little hearts and cards. While we assisted, he did do most of the work himself. I learned he had a flare for this.

I noticed my wife held onto the red silk hearts with a little longing before pasting them, but she held up and we had a good time.

Several things were discovered. The first is that fur, paste, and glue do not go together. The solution to this problem was to wet the fur on his pads down.

Second is that we now know why he says it is a girl. I had only a short look and all I saw was a waving blue monsa, but he saw much more. He says she had a green eye, and the true clincher on why she was a girl was the fact that she had a small green bow in her hair. "The same color as her eye, and only girls wear bows." He said this with a glitter of love in his own eye. We talked about girls with him, but we are limited in one thing. We have no idea how baby monsas are made outside of what Doc. Wilson told us that first night so the entire love aspect of monsa hands is beyond us.

So that night we talked a lot about girls, dating, being nice to each other, and what love means. It was surreal to be having this talk to a 5 inch high, furry, four limbed monsa hand with one eye, but as the ones raising him it had to be done. He took the talk ok, but seems bemused at a few details. So that night Monsa hand went to bed with a large pile of homemade hearts, cards, a frilly pretty things for the little green eyed monsa girl he now is in love with. He told me, before he scurried off to his nest, that he knows she likes him because "she smiled really big, and it feels right".
Ah! To be young, dumb, and in love.

2004-08-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

My wife and I were returning from dinner. We needed a night out on the town and I will admit we really enjoyed ourselves. Now Monsa hand said he wanted to stay home, this is strange because he never turns down a chance to go out and see new things. I almost was a little paranoid when he said he wanted to stay because Italian restaurants are his favorite. But no. He stayed and we went off. Stupid stupid stupid.

Getting home my wife and I walked into the kitchen. Monsa hand was calmly writing on small red hearts. He had a whole pile of them. I picked some up and smiled when I read what he had written on them. I LUV U. Over and over on the many 2 inch size hearts.

"Are you making these for the girl monsa hand we saw?" I had a big grin on my face.

"Yes. Girls like hearts and things like this. I read it in books. I want her to know I love her" His one eye was all aglitter with love. He grabbed another heart and started writing again. I was so happy for the little guy. I had not felt this good in awhile.

It lasted about 10 seconds before chaos occurred.

My wife had picked one the hearts up and with a puzzled look asked the question that brought on the chaos. "Monsa. Where did you get these hearts?". Now I had only looked at them as hearts, a symbol of love. I then looked closer. They seemed to be made of cloth, nice cloth, silky nice cloth. Red silky nice cloth.

Oh no!

Monsa hand stood and with a smile pointed to the corner and proclaimed with a smile "You know that old red shirt that you said you could not wear. I used it". Now he was pointing into the corner. My wife and I turned to look and there it was. My wife's favorite red silk blouse. Bought on our first vacation to Hawaii. She had said earlier in the week she could not wear it. But she had said she could not wear it because it was only for special occasions and she did not want to mess it up.

She whirled and monsa hand immediately knew he was in trouble. He swiped up in one arm as many hearts as he could and took off running, as well as he could with three legs, and right behind him my wife. "Don't you run from me you little rat!"

At this point the chase was on. I did not watch it, this was going to be to messy for me to watch. I retreated from the field of battle. The last I saw before I closed the door to the bedroom was her holding the edge of the lazyboy up and reaching under it for him. Her words of "You better quit biting me you rat" and his retort "They're my hearts. You can't have them".

Later, much later, when she came to bed she laid down silently. She was way too upset for words. I just said nothing.

I awoke during the night and went to see the damage. Walking into the kitchen and looking around I decided it was not as bad as I thought it would be. The tables were over turned and several cabinets were open. But it was one of their worst fights yet. They had fought before but never this much. I will admit here I was a little scared. Monsa hand was old enough to take care of himself, or at least he thought he was, and if he ran away..well I did not want to think of it.

I went into the livingroom to see the damage. Except for some furniture shifted it looked ok. There were little hearts scattered all over the place and I started to pick them up. A quite little voice above my head was heard "She said I could keep them." he ended it with a little sniff. I looked up and on top of the bookshelf was one furry sad little brown eye looking down at me. "She said I am really in trouble but she knows I did not do it to be mean" The eye disappeared and a few quite sobs were all I heard.

"Monsa? Monsa?" I kept calling till he looked over the edge again. I handed him the hearts I had picked up. He took them and retreated into the corner again. "She yelled at me and I..I...I was trying to be nice. I'm just stupid." This statement ended with a sob, then silence.

Well I spent the next hour talking him down and then just talking to him. I finally got him to tell me what my wife said. Before she finally went to bed she informed him that he owed her one red silk blouse and how much it would cost. He said he did not have that much money saved. Right then I informed him he had to start earning money to pay her back by doing extra chores. We already had him doing some, symbolic mainly, as with his size he could not do much. Now he had to start doing a lot more to earn the money.

Things were tense around the house for a few days, and monsa hand hated the jobs my wife found for him. But as the victim of his love, she got to pick the chores, while I picked the monetary value of each to balance it all out.

But as time heals all wound, and buys new blouses, things got back to normal. If you could ever call it normal around here.

2004-08-18T10:14:00.000-05:00

i saw a monsa like me
it was a girl
biggy says i cannot know
but i do
she is a girl
she was blue and has a green eye
she is pretty
i love her

monsa hand not big stinky one

2004-08-17T20:16:00.000-05:00

800 dollars, a bruised nose, and it was all worth it. For you see, I saw my first monsa hand, other then Monsa.

I have finally agreed to take him places if he behaves himself, and he has. He rides hidden in my pocket, peaking out and seeing a big wide world. He has been really acting well, and his questions show a side to life I have not seen. Now when we do go out and I drive he likes to ride perched on the passenger door looking out the window. If anyone does see him they will think ugly Garfield stuck there or something.

Traffic was bad that day and it was bumper to bumper. Standard rush hour traffic. Traffic in my lane had just started to move when I heard monsa hand ask "Am I blue?".
Keeping an eye on the road I answered "No. You're brown dude". I did not understand the depth of that question. It meant a lot more then I thought.
"So that's not my reflection?" His voice had changed and it had a lot of energy in it.
"What?" I turned and there, in the window of the next car sat another monsa hand. It was blue and waving one small furry leg at us, and monsa hand was waving back.
"Holy crud! It's another ..."
THUD!!!!
Yep. I rear ended the car in front of me. My head went forward and I bopped my nose against the steering wheel. Monsa went flying down to the floorboard. The sad thing is that the other car drove on, not even seeing what happened.

So here I sit typing with a big red nose, one that monsa hand calls a clown nose, and am happy beyond all belief. Monsa just got a little bruise. But I saw one. I saw another monsa hand. Blue and about the same size. Now I truly know Monsa hand is not alone in this world.

Happy happy happy.

2004-08-09T16:23:00.000-05:00

"Get off! Get off! Get off NOW!!" was what woke me one fine morning. That scream was followed by a thud as monsa hand was flung across the room. Now something to know is that this was not uncommon, the throwing, not the screaming. OK. There seems to be a lot more screaming then there should be, but back to the throwing.

Monsa hand ended up airborne one day due to a bare foot, him being mad at me, and him thinking biting my foot would be a good idea to "punish me" for punishing him. Reflexes being what they are when he took a big 6 fanged bite I automatically kicked out and he went flying across the room and hit the wall. The second I kicked I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I saw the poor little furry guy flying across the room to finally be stopped by the wall.
I ran across the room, heart pounding, and looked down at the furry little guy just lying there. His one eye opened slowly and he looked up at me.
"Monsa? Are you OK?" I was pretty scared at this point.
He slowly stood up, looked at me, grinned, and yelled "Do it again. Throw me! Throw me! That was fun!"

Turns out he liked it. Seems he flies naturally like some flying squirrel. So I agreed, but limited him to a few throws a day. It still seems weird to do it, but he really likes it. He even paid me a Hershey's kiss to throw him one time. Not sure if it is an adrenaline rush, or if nature does it, but throwing monsa is now part of our life.

But back to the screaming.

I sat up trying to figure out what the heck was going on.
"The little rat was licking my forehead while I was sleeping" To say my wife was unhappy would be an understatement.
"Licking your forehead?" This was new to me.
By now Monsa hand had crawled back onto the bed. "She yelled at me" he gave a small sniff.
"Monsa. You scared her." I gave him the standard disapproving look parents are well known for. "Why were you trying to lick her head?"
"She smelled good" He had an earnest look on his face, so I knew he was not fibbing.
"Dear. Why do you smell good?" I looked at her with the same confused look she seemed to have.
"No idea." She wiped her hand across her forehead and smelled it. A strange look came over her and she placed her hand out so I could smell it.
Now I was even more confused. "Why does your forehead smell vaguely like chocolate"

"I don't know. Why are you two looking at...Wait!" She hopped up and ran into the bathroom and returned with a small bottle. She handed it to me and with a smile told me to smell it. I did. The smell of pure chocolate wafted up from the tube. I looked at the label and started to laugh. "Monsa come here."
He hoped onto my lap and I held the bottle for him to read. "What does that say"
He smiled when he read it. "Cocoa butter lotion! Yummy" he made a grab for it but I pulled it away. Good reflexes develop with a hyperactive monsa living with you.
"Stop!" he did but was not happy. I opened it and squirted a little onto my finger. "Here, try this."
The look on his face after he took the first lick was horrible. He stuck his tongue out and took off heading for the bathroom. The resulting running water I heard was, most likely, his tongue being washed off. "You OK in there?"
"Yeth" we heard through the water. yep. Washing his tongue.

Well after washing his tongue off we promised not to get anything with chocolate or cocoa in it that was not edible. We also told him not to lick anyone's head, or anything. No matter how chocolatey it smells.
When asked why he was in here at night his answer almost made my wife cry."I just like to make sure you two are OK. I don't want anything to happen to you"
With a kiss from both of us he scurried back down to his nest and we retired back to bed.
"You know dear" My wife said before she went to sleep "I really love the furry guy."

I do too.

2004-07-26T16:19:00.000-05:00

"Would you please explain the hair to me?" was one of many questions I had for him. He had worked with monsa hands for years so I thought he might know.
"Was he naked? They really hate being naked. It sounds mean but one of the things they would do to each other was to shave them while they were asleep. The next morning I would have this little pale wrinkled thing at my door begging for hair tonic. Just a little and "BANG!" Hair. They have this strange metabolism that reacts fast to everything. A simple lick of an aspirin and a minute later they are better, or a warm cup of cocoa. I have yet to see a walker finish one without falling asleep."
"Same here. I end up with half cups of cocoa all over the house. and a sleeping monsa that I end up carrying to his bed."
"Can I ask why you call them monsa hands? I know they are the size of your hand but it seems strange."
"No. No problem. He actually picked his own name. He saw a glove and got a little scared until I showed him it fit on my hand. He has called himself monsa hand since."
"Well it is as good a name as I picked, probably better because he picked it himself." He paused and looked me in the eye "You do know they have a small problem with chocolate don't you?"
"The lock on my cake pan and one cabinet show that I have had run ins with this issue. Sort of like Garfield and lasagna, but worse"

The night ended when we went in to check on monsa hand. He was sitting on Doc's desk glaring at us
"I don't like anybody!" he turned his back to us and sat down to sulk.
"I have this whole cup of chocolate soup just for you and since you're mad at me I will have to throw it away" I walked to the trashcan and made a dropping motion.
"I love you big one. I really do" He had turned and put his fake angelic face on. The pure innocence of love. Bull.
I sat it down on the desk next to him and pulled my fingers back in a well learned act of self preservation. He was on it like piranha and soon we had a plumper furry happy monsa hand sitting there.
"You want to go home now? You won't get sick anymore because the doc gave us some stuff.."
He quickly sat down and yelled out "No more shots. No. No. No." he kept yelling this until I was finally able to break in.
"Chocolate covered pills you shrimp" The resulting silence as he thought about it dragged until he nodded an OK to me.

"Well lets get his stuff and go. Thanks again Doc. We were really worried." I reached for the box and picked up a fat happy monsa hand and we started to go.
As we were heading out the door monsa piped in "Sorry about your desk".
I of course had to stop. "Desk?"
Doc laughed out loud at that point. "Don't worry. They have a small habit of getting mad after a shot. I am quite used to it. Go home and enjoy yourself. But remember to throw out the plant!"

So we went home and to bed very happy and relieved. Monsa went to sleep with Curious George and seemed happy again. He mumbled once his butt hurt but I ignored him. He was just trying for some sympathy chocolate, but it would not work tonight.

2004-07-25T18:14:00.000-05:00

they were mean to me
biggys wife held me down
she farts also
they poked me in the butt with a needle
i am not sharing my chocolate
the bald man is mean
i peed in his desk and pulled on all his wires

monsa
not big stinky one or stinky wife

2004-07-25T10:31:00.000-05:00

"S. H. O. T. He needs one" Doc said as he reached slowly for Monsa hand.
With a delay due to his not feeling well, his eye popped open. The scream of "No!" was not unexpected when Doc grabbed at him. I say at because monsa made a run for the edge. Either by design or bad luck the table top was slick and his little claws, extended by reflex, gave him almost no traction so he just panicked and scittered in place making almost no progress for the edge of the table. Well with my wife and I holding him down, Doc gave him a small shot in the butt. "I use ped needles made for infants. They are the perfect size for them." Perfect yes, but monsa still had claws and fangs and used them nicely in defense of his butt. After the "I don't like nobody!" wail he began to get sleepy and shut his eye. "I gave him a big dose of antihistamines so he will be asleep for a while. By the time he awakens his butt will not be hurting and he should be breathing just fine." He cleaned up and laid Monsa Hand down in Curious George's lap so he could sleep off the shot.

Doc, my wife and I were sitting around the dinner table as Emmy fussed around the kitchen and gave a running dialogue. "My yes. I remember the first one. Little Johnny .. or was it Harry? Well someone brought one in and asked what it was because it also was sick. You remember Star Trek?"
"Yes". I had no idea what that meant but I used to be a trekie in my own youth. "Well we figured out it also was allergic and got it back on its legs..err.. Feet.. No! Pads. Yes. We got it back on its pads and tried to figure out what it was. Doc was also a trekie and said it looked like a tribble from one episode." She paused and gave a big laugh."Doc here was sure surprised when it reached out and bit the heck out of him then told him "I am not no ugly tribble" Doc almost had a heartattack he wasn't expecting it to be able to talk." She paused in her busy work to kiss doc on his balding head. "Would of hated to loose the old fart. Well the furry thing said it was not a tribble because it had legs and could walk. I was more surprised at the talking part but anyway. We said would you like to be called a Walker"

Doc jumped in as his wife walked out of the room. "That was the first. Little Billy ended up with two. A little brown and gray male and a little blondish female. He named them Flash Gordon and Dorothy. He lived near us for about 5 years. Moved when he was 16. By then there were about 50 of them in the area. Walkers. Lots of them. Different colors and such."

"Are you saying there are 50 monsas in this town?" I was on edge. Monsa would be so happy when he heard this. "Nope. When Billy moved the whole kit and kaboodle moved with him. Well that's what we think anyway. No more ever dropped by. They would come over on their own by then. We were the walker doctors. But one day they all left. I was very surprised to see yours."

"Doc. We are not alone" I then told him about monsa hand smelling another one in the mall.
By this time Emmy returned with the soup so we all sat back and ate up.

Doc and Emmy were pretty happy to know there might be more. So for the rest of the night was sat and exchanged monsa hand stories. With 5 years of being the only monsa doc in town he had some doozies.

2004-07-23T07:44:00.000-05:00

I have never been as scared as I was when I first knocked on Doc Wilson's door. I had called ahead to see if he was home and ask if he could look at a sick "pet". Monsa hand tried to bite me when I said "pet", but was so sick he missed and just fell flat.

Doc Wilson's wife Emmy ushered us in. I was holding a shoe box closely to my chest. I asked if Doc was there and she instructed us to go right on back into his study.
The study was something out of time. Old wood shelves and medical equipment decades old when I was born. In the center of the room was an examination table. It was smaller then most, being made for animals, and had raised sides.
"Well come in and let me have a look at your little pet" He took the box gently from me and sat it down. "Now what do you have? Hamster? Gerbil? Maybe one of those new ferrets that everyone seems to like."

He lifted the boxes lid and exposed a curled up Curious George doll and a box of chocolate.
"What...?" He turned to me and I raised my cupped hands in front of me, holding monsa hand in them.
You see I carry the little guy in my pocket most of the time. The box idea did not go over well with him, so I put his stuff in it.
Monsa was curled up in my hand and laid there limply. He raised his head and looked at doc.
"Hi... "Acchhooooo!! His head fell back into my hand.
"Doc I need to explain what this is it is..." I started on some lines I had prepared to introduce monsa hand to doc without scaring the crud out of him.
"You got a little walker there." He reached over and with practiced hands went right to the back of monsa's head and expertly started to scritch him.
Well I and my wife started to talk over each other at the "walker" comment.
"What?" "Where?" and "When?" were jumbles in many other questions that pored from us.

Ignoring us like parents he turned his concentration over to monsa and picked him up and carried him to the table.
With an order to sit quietly we did, and although our heads were full of questions we obeyed.
Monsa hand then became the center of Doc's world. He pulled out a small tray of very small instruments and gave him a full going over.
We sat there as Doc's muttering of "temp ok." and "little chubby" was all we learned for the next few minutes.
Doc then pulled out a miniature chocolate bar and laid it down in front of monsa and told him to nibble on that for awhile.

"I know what's wrong with the little guy. Not rare for them in reality. Seen it several times. "
"What!" I really needed to know what was wrong.
"Have you all gotten any new plants lately?"
We looked at each other and then realized about the same time what he was talking about. I had just turned back to him to answer when he piped in.
"One of you brought a rhododendron into the house right? Those things are like poison to walkers. Need to throw it out and really air out the house for a few days"
I had never felt that good before. A plant. I can get rid of plants. Monsa hand would be better and things could go back to being normal, or at least as far as that was possible with an adopted monster.

"Do you all know much about walkers?" He looked at us with a little concern.
"No. We have had to learn as things developed. It does get a little rough once in awhile."
"Well stay for dinner and me and the misses will tell you what we know about them.
He called out to his wife that we were staying for dinner and that she needed to "make something with chocolate also. They brought a walker."

We were not alone anymore.

2004-07-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

A problem has come up that I am not sure how to deal with. To put it bluntly, Monsa hand is sick.

It started about 4 days ago. We were downstairs reading and every once in awhile he would sniff. Nothing bad, but I could tell his nose was running. A couple of days ago it went full-blown. It was more than just the sniffles, but something else. His nose is still running, but now he has a bit of a fever and feels achy.

My wife, monsa, and I sat down and talked about the situation. As we sat around the table we truly looked like a sad bunch. My wife had such a gloomy look about herself, Monsa was sitting there looking worn and tired from 4 days of illness, and I was just horrified that we were going to have to tell someone else about him.
I tried all of the normal remedies. Warm chicken soup (with chocolate sprinkles), aspirin, even Ny-Quil cold medicine and nadda. Nothing really helped him at all. He was starting to get scared, my wife had already passed scared, and I was truly just petrified.

We decided that we had to take him to someone who knows medicine more then us. We explained to him that this involved risk. The person could freak out and call some fruitcake scientist or something. After all, talking little monsters are not common.

Monsa was so ill he just nodded his head and muttered a feeble "OK" then fell asleep.

At that point my wife and I talked some more and decided whom we would take him to. Normal doctors were out. The rules and regulations do not cover monsters so they would try to get advice, and that scares me. So we decided to go to old doc Wilson. For one the title old is true in this case. A little past ancient, he still was as sharp as a rock, and he was a doc, well in a way. He was a veterinarian. We had known him for a few years in the local church. All the kids took their pets to him. Being retired we felt we could take monsa hand to him at his home and at least try to keep things simple.

So we got a little package together of monsa hands stuff. A few books, his Curious George stuffed doll (he sleeps in its lap when he is not feeling good) and a sampler of chocolate for eating and prepared to head out in the morning after a call to make sure that Doc would be home.

So tonight I go to bed worried about tomorrow and what may happen. The horrors your own imagination can create does not help the sleep process.

2004-07-07T22:00:00.000-05:00

I feel real bad. I hated to punish him that severely but he did almost start a fire.
I was down stairs when he had the urge for a hot chocolate and he tried to make one. For his small size he did pretty good. He dragged the Nestle's quick from the cabinet and squirted some into a small pan. He turned it on then got side-tracked.
I have no idea what he was thinking beside "chocolate, chocolate, chocolate" but he almost hurt us all.
About the time my brain registered something "hot" the smoke detector went off. I will say that with the monsa hand living with us I have set up extra smoke detectors throughout the house.

I ran upstairs and saw the billowing smoke rising from the stove top. With a quick flick the pan ended up in the sink. I knew instantly who did it by the mess on the cabinet and the small pad prints across the floor. After opening all the doors and windows I started to clean the mess up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw monsa hand walk into the room.
With a crinkled nose from the smell he looked at me and asked 'Is my cocoa ready big one?"
I just glared at him. He knew that glare. He sees it way too often for his own good.
He started to back up slowly and just as he tensed to make a run for the door I gave the order to freeze.

Well he sat there the entire time it took to clean the kitchen and then we went down stairs. He tried to look as small as possible, but it did not work on my heart strings at all that day.
I grounded him big time. For that I took his Curious George books for one week. Now that may not sound bad but to him it was horrible.
You see The little guy sees himself just like Curious George. He is adopted by us, just like George is adopted by the man in the yellow hat. He is not sure of his parents and is alone in a way. He also is in a big strange world. He gets in trouble just like George.
He has developed a kinship with the monkey and thus has forced me to buy over 12 different copies of the series. He sees himself in the stories and loves them.

I really wanted him to know how bad his actions were this time. So I punished him by grounding him from his friend. I took his books and locked them up.

Well the week is over and he has his books back but it was a rough week. With comments that "Marmaduke is stupid" and "Garfield is a dumb cat" he made it through the week with alternative readings.
So as I sit here typing this out I see that he is sitting on his favorite copy catching up with an old friend. Life is back to normal, for the near future.
I hope.

2004-06-26T01:05:00.000-05:00

i want everyone to know the big one is mean to me
he has taken my curious george books away for a week and i do not like him
he said it is my fault and he is mean. i was trying to make cocoa on the stove and a lot of smoke happened
he is mean
i want my books back
his wife is mean
she will not get me my books back
he farts a lot
i no longer like him
he will yell at me when he sees this but he left the thing on
he is mean
i peed on his pillow also

monsa hand not big stinky one

2004-06-20T06:59:00.000-05:00

For days afterwards monsa hand was down. Not sad, just disappointed that "it" was not a true monster.
My wife and I decided he needed a big trip out. Well since the zoo incident I thought going back there might be problematic, so I figured the mall.
After going over all the rules about never getting off my shoulder or talking to anyone but my wife or I he promised me would be good. I believed that as far as I could throw my car, but he really needed a day out.
At 9 in the morning the Mall was mostly empty, but enough people I was still worried. We walked about and were enjoying ourselves greatly. The bulk candy store always puts him in a good mood so large amounts of money was spent on chocolates to his happiness.

I was dipping the scoop into the bin full of chocolate covered raisins. He liked them, until I told him they were really chocolate covered bugs. Hey! It was the only way for me to have chocolate in the house for personal use. The little furry guy eats chocolate like a vacuum cleaner.
But as I was saying . . .
I was bending over and scooping a "biggy" size amount into the bag when four needle sharp claws pierced my shoulder.
"AARRRRGGGGHHH!!" The scoop went flying, followed by a falling rain of raisinettes all over. The looks I got as I threw down a 10 dollar bill and ran out of the store with a fast "sorry" to the clerk was not helping the pain.

After exiting the store I reached under my jacket pulling a clenched monsa hand, with claws extended, off my shoulder.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!" I looked him right into his eye as I said it then noticed he was frozen.
"Monsa? Are you OK?: He started to shake and quiver in my hand. I was not sure what was wrong with the little guy, but I was starting to get scared now, ignoring even the pain in my shoulder.
"Bi..bi...biggy. I...I..I smelled one." He looked up to me with his one eye pleading for help.
"One what?" I thought maybe I had farted.
At this he started to shake, but I could tell this was the same happy shake that happens when I bring new chocolate into the house. A happy internal shake.

"Another me, I mean another monsa. I did. I did. I smelled another one." His neck was twisting all around and he started climbing all over me trying to look all over at the same time and fine the other one. Acting fast, I figured someone in the store was carrying a monsa hand like I was so I went back into the candy store and walked by each person. I stood near each one until the small voice in my ear said "no". I repeated this until we ran out of people.
Telling him the person might have been walking by the store we went into the main area of the mall.
We found a bench and sat there for over four hours. He sat on my shoulder and sniffed until finally he gave up.

But even this failure of finding a monsa hand like him did not depress him. For you see. He now knew that there are others out there just like him, and he was going to find them.

2004-06-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

The search for other monsa hands of course started on the Internet. While I tried the standard searches nothing seemed to work. I was about to grow despondent that first night in front of the uncooperative computer when monsahand ran into the room screaming.
"I found one, I found one. It's on TV" His eye was shining like the whole world was suddenly good and all was well in the universe.
Well like the man who leaped from his bed and threw open the shutters I jumped and ran for the TV.
His yelling "Hurry hurry hurry" made me run down to the family room even faster then normal.

The second I saw the TV I knew that I had a hard job ahead of me. There, residing on the TV was "It" from the Adams family. Monsa was jumping up and down and hugging himself with happiness.
"See. See biggy. I found one. He looks funny, but he's a monsa hand. I know it"
The pure knowledge of youth was about the hit the grim reality of life.
"Come here little guy" I motioned to him and like a hyper active flash he was up on my shoulder looking at me with a smile that I knew would be so short lived.

"We need to talk". I gave him the fatherly tone and I saw a slight quiver in his smile. I reached up and scritched him gently and whispered to him "You really want him to be a monsa hand don't you?".
"But he is biggy. I just know" The smile had flattened out and was about to turn down.
I reached down and took the DVD controller into my hand and stopped the movie, I then started the special "making of" feature.
I sat and held him as they showed the hand model doing all of the work to make "it" come alive.

By the time the special section ended monsa was of course crying his heart out. I held him and scritched him as good as I could but he just needed , more then anything, time to cry. So I gave it to him.
After some words that we would find others, I hope, I took him and we made a special trip to the grocery where I let him pick the chocolate from the candy section. The little trip out helped him feel a little better but he was still hurting.

That night before he went to bed I made him his special hot cocoa that makes him feel warm and happy. I think it is the mini marshmallows.
That night after he went to bed I went and threw out one DVD into the trash.

2004-06-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

Well monsa hand is full grown and I now know the suffering parents go through.
You see. He started to go out on his own. Not just into the yard to fight the squirrels, but around the neighborhood. I tried to warn him about the bad things out there but he was so intent on doing it I just had to agree, plus the fact there was not much of a way to stop him.

I walked in the front door after a day at work and I could almost sense that something was wrong. My dear wife was sitting in the kitchen sipping a soda and looking very thoughtful.
"Hon? Is everything OK?" I sat down by her and from her body position I could tell she was horribly sad.
"It's monsa hand. He went out for more then a walk today." she whispered " He went to see if there were any other monsa hands out there and..Well...He didn't find any and is feeling really alone. I have tried to make him feel better but nothing works. Not even chocolate"
OMG! I knew one thing. When chocolate does not work, then things are really bad. For him chocolate can fix cuts, bruises, and hurt feelings. When it does not work it.. Well. I have to admit it has always worked. This worried me.

I walked into the basement slowly and saw him sitting on his favorite Curious George book and just looking at the pictures. Curious George books always made him feel better, and they obviously were not working this time,
"Monsa? You OK?" I sat down and put my leg out near him to help him crawl up on to me if he wanted.
Sniff "I'm OK biggy" I could tell he wasn't, but did not say anything, I just let him continue. " I just though there might be other monsa hands in the other houses and I looked in all of them around here and I cannot smell none in any of them" Sniff. He said this lying there so defeated. "I think I'm all alone"
"You know we will always be here right?"
A small nod was all I got in reply from him. He was feeling very alone and abandoned right now.

"Come here" with very little coaxing he scurried up and laid on my belly and I did the fatherly thing and started to scritch him.
"Monsa. I have to say that I have no idea where you came from, but I love you right?"
"Yeah?" he seemed almost confused.
"Would you like to know some other monsa hands out there?"
"Yes! But I looked and there aren't any out there."
"Hold on. The world is a very big place and there are a lot of places for little guys like you to be. Well then let us try to find where you came from and some other little furry guys like you. OK?"
He leaped up to his legs and a smile appeared on his face. "You'll help me find others like me?"
"Yes. Yes I will help you"
That was the day that I started the job of finding other little guys for him to play with, and feel less alone.

2004-06-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

While living with a monsa hand can be a bother, the same can be said for anyone with children. The difference is that children do not often get stuck in the vent.
I had just finished breakfast and was wondering if I should put off doing the dishes till tonight, or perhaps tomorrow. Procrastination is my middle name. I had just finished moving the dishes to the sink when I heard the first wail.

"Big one. Help!" I instantly knew who it was so I went downstairs where I could hear the voice.
When I got downstairs the cries for help were now coming from above me.
"This is not a funny joke Monsa hand!" I bellowed.
"No joke. Help! I'm stuck in the vent"
That explained it. The vent piping was below the floor and above my head.
So with an order to start tapping I began the hunt.
After I had removed four vent covers and two pipe lengths I found him.

He really had gotten himself tangled up. While going from one pipe to another he slipped and his leg got jammed between two connections keeping him well pinned. I could tell he was hurting and needing TLC so he got a lot of it.

Now normally when he gets into things he should not get into I would punish him by no TV or something but this time I let it slide.
While he is fearless against meercats, and squirrels are yard thieves to him, this time he really scared himself.
It would have been cruel to punish him again.

We found that he liked to use the vents, because when he was in them he did not feel so small like when in the big human world. He had found his own monsa hand road way.
So of course with a promise that he would be more careful in the future I let him keep using his own little roadway.

2004-06-03T09:45:00.000-05:00

I had decided that monsa hand needed to see the world. He has been out twice, one on the wire shopping spree and the other time to Walgreen. Figuring out where to take him is a whole different thing. Monsa hand is sized like a small furry rodent so I have to be careful.
So I decided on the zoo. He could ride in my pocket and we could see some animals. Since he had a small picture of a tiger on his wall I knew that would make his day. The zoo trip was great. Monsa hand was ecstatic over what he saw. "Elephants are big" and "monkeys smell" were the types of comments my wife and I heard. He had crawled out of my pocket and was riding on my shoulder near the hood. He was hidden and still could talk to us.
The silence should have been the giveaway. "Monsa hand. What do you think about that meercat?" The lack of reply worried me. I did a quick patdown of myself and came to the only conclusion.
Monsa hand was on the loose.
Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.
I went one way and my wife went another, each in a silent panic. I only took about three steps before I saw him..or I should say heard him. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp" I turned and there he was. Like all young stupid kids he wanted to get close to the animals. So of course he climbed down me and went into the meercat area. There he stood, claws extended holding his own against two upset, territorial meercats. "Get you furry rear out here now" I bellowed.
As the two meercats paused to look at me bellowing, Monsa hand made a break and scurried to the edge and made an impressive leap to freedom. He then ran up me and slid back into my shirt pocket.
"That was fun" he said as he looked at me with a smile on his face. Now monsa hand is about the same size in relationship to a meercat as I am to an elephant.
"You could have gotten killed you dumb monster" and other comments were sent his way. All to no effect. Well my wife and I grounded him when we got home but the damage had been done. The world was big, full of stuff, and he wanted to see it all.
"It's hard to keep them on the farm when they have seen the lights of Paris" ran through my mind that night. Monsa hand had a whole world to see, and nothing could stop him.

2004-05-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

Monsa hand is covered in fur so of course he wears no clothing. This does not mean he does not like to look nice.
Here I was buying whole Barbie outfit kits just to get the small size combs and brushes for the little guy. Combing his hair and keeping clean was important to him. While monsters like to get under, inside, and through every nook and cranny in the house he always took time afterwards to clean himself up nicely.
But that's just a little side bar. This story is the day before Easter.

I was sitting in the den watching TV. Nothing great was on but the mindless nature of it after work was nice. My wife was upstairs making Easter eggs for the church's Easter egg hunt. Now at one point I heard a little yelp from my wife, but since it was followed by laughter I let it slide.
About 30 minutes later I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Nothing worried me because with a small monster in your house things do not scare you that easy.
I turned my head and looked.

OMG!!!. I jumped up at the vision heading my way.
It was a monster like monsa hand "but". There is always a but.
This one was blood red, a snarling fang filled mouth, and yellow claws extended as he charged me.
"Get away! Get away! Get away!'. I yelled as I jumped up onto the chair OK. I do not handle killer monster attacks well.
The monster collapsed halfway across the floor.
Why, you ask, did he collapse.
He collapsed laughing. From the laughter I instantly knew it was monsa hand.

"You little @#%*." I charged him now. I was going to shave the furry little rodent bald.
Well as luck would have it my wife came into the room and kept me from microwaving him.
What happened was an evil plot involving Easter egg color, one monsa hand who wanted to look mean, and a wife who put the attack into his head. Yes. My darling wife put him up to it. They have started to be way too friendly lately. I need to get better chocolate to bribe him I guess.

So over the next several days he changed. Some days he was one color, some another, he even went through polka dotted and stripped stages. To say I was happy when we ran out of Easter eggs colors would be an understatement.
But he did have fun.

2004-05-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

I guess I should tell you about the rules. The rules for monsa hand came about after he had all 6 teeth.
He started to act bad and for about a week seemed to be in trouble for one thing after another. All of them resulted in groundings and punishments. I really love the furry guy but being a rebellious teenager with claws is not a good combination.
It was Sunday night and he had been grounded on and off for the whole week. As he sat there reading I noticed he had not turned the page on his book for awhile. Now normally he loves reading Harry Potter but this time he was gloomy.
"You OK?"
He got to his legs and scurried over to me. He climbed up my couch and sat on the arm next to me.
Looking me in the eye he whispered "Do I have to leave now". His eye was watery and I realized he was about to cry.
I quickly picked him up and held him in a hug and said "You never have to leave. Why do you feel like that?"
He lowered his head and thought for a moment.
"I have been real bad and in some books bad boys are sent away and.. and.. and I think I'm bad" he then started to blubber.
I held him and scritched the little furry guy for awhile. He was really scared and at that point he just needed hugs, so that's what he got.
After he calmed down he and I talked and the first two rules came into existence.
1. No matter what monsa hand does he will never be sent away or thrown away.
2. No matter what monsa hand does we will always love him.
Now it sounds dumb to write down rules saying you love someone, but for an insecure monster they were what was needed.
I think he was mad that we were going to throw him away and when he knew he could stay he was happy. He also quit acting up and the grounding stopped mostly.
The rules grew and a few more have been added over time, but those are for another story.

2004-05-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

I was tired after work one day and all I wanted was to go home and watch the movie I had rented. My wife was out so I dropped heavily on to the couch and grabbed the remote. Aiming it towards the DVD player I hit power.
Sounds good right? This is when it gets un-good.
After hitting power the DVD tray slid in and I hit play...and waited...and waited...and ARRRGGGHH
The &^%@&@ DVD player is broke.
I walked over and hammered it a little to release the standard male desire to smash and loot.
After that did not work I slid the DVD player out and noticed something.
one wire, not three. There should have been a power line, an input line, and an output line. I had one. The power line was the only thing hooked up. Looking around some more I noticed every line not permanently connected between the cable, VHS, DVD, stereo printer and computer in the whole family room was missing.
Now anyone else in the whole world would sit there confused. But not I. No sir, I knew who did it.
"MONSA HAND!!!"
soon a smiling monsa hand came scurrying into the room.
"Big one! You're home." The smile got bigger and I knew, deep down, he had done it.
"I have a question for you"
"What biggy?" I really hated it when he called me "biggy".
"Do you know where all the wires and cords in the room are?"
"Yeah, follow me" He turned and started heading for the closet.
Now as this was his "home nest" I allowed him to decorate it as he wished. I now wish I had not let him.
He opened the door with a mighty heave and with a flourish worthy of a game show host showed me his current room.
OMG! The room was encircled like some bizarre rave party room with all the cords in the house, and a few I did not recognize. He had them strung all over, wrapped some in Reeces pieces aluminum, and even rolled some into balls. I will admit this was the best one yet. He seemed to change it every time I looked, and this latest incarnation was one of the best.
"Monsa. I hate to say this but we need to take you room apart."
"No No No No"
So he and I sat down and talked. Turns out he is fascinated by wires, all wires. So with this in mind he made his last nest.
So I broke down and for only the second time, we went out. He and I took a small trip to the hardware store. We wire shopped. Right now there is a hardware store clerk who, with my request for "20 one foot lengths of all your pretty wires", put me into the loony bin category.
Well monsa hand got his room, well wired, back in place. I got the to have the fun of untangling 20 plus wires and reassembling all of the houses electronics, without the owner's manuals.
But overall a good night.

2004-05-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

Some days it is best to be in the dark. I came home one day. My dear wife was slamming around dishes in the kitchen, not a good sign. I slowly peaked around the corner. The sight that welcomed me home can only be describe as surreal. Here in the center of the kitchen table sitting on a washrag was a nude monsa hand. His head was sunk low, as that was something he did to look pitiful when in trouble.
I stepped in. The "walking into a minefield" feeling is the best description of those first steps.
"Hello dear how was your day?"
She twirled around. Glared at me, and as she brushed past me heading into the back of the house I heard her mutter through clenched teeth, "Ask it."
Not good. Not good at all. As I set myself at the table monsa hand shifted himself turning his pink naked butt to me. Not good at all.
"What happened?" I tried to use my best fatherly sounding voice.
"You don't want to know". He scurried to the edge, climbed down the table leg, and went through the door towards the basement.
He paused as he passed through the door. He looked back at me.
"Am I a good monsa?" His eye was watering up and I could tell he so wanted to cry. But boys don't cry in front of other boys.
"You are the best monster ever" I said, hoping it would help the little guy. He looked real distraught over whatever happened,
"Thanks big one". He scurried down to the basement and stayed in his closet for the rest of the night.
I never found out what happened. Maybe I shouldn't. Monsa hand and my wife started to get along better. Maybe they had a big fight. I know sometimes in life you need to sit back and just observe.

2004-05-21T00:44:00.000-05:00

Now being small, breakable, and occasionally troublesome I have been worried about letting the little guy out of the house. At first I just let him out to explore the yard. I did not think he would get into much trouble even after the squirrel incident.
He had been nagging me to let him go out and look around and I will admit I finally relented to shut him up. It was getting cold so I put my jacket on and placed him in the breast pocket. With just his head sticking out I knew no one would pay him much attention. I was so so wrong.
I went to the bookstore to pick up some books I had ordered, and while in the kids section looked over some books for monsa hand. I would hold a selection up and asked him which one he wanted. He picked a nice book on horses and another on the mad scientist club. I was happy as this outing had so far gone off without a hitch. So far.
At the checkout counter I regretfully got a cashier who likes to put on perfume by the gallon.
I laid my books down and after asking me if that was all I needed it happened.
"You smell"
Time stopped. .....
She looked at me and with a glare asked "What did you say?"
"Nice smell. I said nice smell. The perfume. What is it?" I was desperate and almost gibbering.
"Oh! Its odor of Paris" She smiled and checked me out.
I walked out with a face red from anger and embarrassment.
"Why did you say that?"
"You said never to lie and it was burning my nose" He said it quietly as he could almost feel my anger.
He was right. She really reeked, and with his extra ability to smell I am sure it would have burned.
So he and I sat down when we got home and talked about what was proper decorum for public conversation, and why we need to keep his existence a secret.
He seems more disturbed at the public decorum. I had been teaching him to tell the truth and now I was telling him to hold some truths back. I guess we all go through this stage at some point in all of our lives.

2004-05-17T17:45:00.000-05:00

Coming home is becoming rather interesting. I never quite know what I will find.
One day I came home to my wife holding a sobbing monsa hand in the kitchen. Now normally he gets upset when we punish him for doing something he shouldn't have done, but not this time.
He was wrapped up in one of our terry cotton towels and covered in little bandages. My wife was scritching him behind his ear and even from where I stood at the doorway I could hear. "You are the bravest monsahand in the whole world. You did very good and I am so proud of you" she punctuated her comments with little kisses to his head.
After a bit of time, and the piece of warm chocolate he was eating, he fell asleep. My wife and I carried him to his nest and quietly returned upstairs.
"What the heck was that about?" Catching the tail end of something can be rather frustrating.
"Monsa hand saw a squirrel in the yard grabbing some acorns that had fallen. Thinking they were yours he went out to defend the big ones property. Well they got into it and although the squirrel left I think monsa hand got the worse of it"
Oh my! I felt so proud right then. The little furry guy was protecting the big ones stuff. I knew how dads felt when their kids did something dumb for all the right reasons.
Well for the rest of the weekend our little furry guy was treated like a real warrior. But I did tell him that I would let the squirrel "clean up the yard" from now on as punishment.

2004-05-02T09:37:00.000-05:00

The furry guy almost killed me one day. His third tooth was coming in slow and we were all feeling bad for him. He was always walking around holding an ice cube in his mouth with this sad suffering look on his face. There truly is nothing so heart rending as a sad monster.
One problem, he is kind of young and dumb. So whenever the ice finally numbs his gums he drops the ice cube and goes off to play.
Well as we all know ice melts and water is what remains.
For days I have been wiping up little melted ice cube puddles around the house. Nothing bad, but a real interesting feeling when you sit in cold water while in your tighty whities.

It was the third day of his suffering. I was worried because this should not take this long. I have no idea who to take a monster to when a tooth gets stuck, but I was getting desperate. He was sleeping with us for a bit because he was hurting all the time.
I had just gotten dressed for work and had my good shoes on. Patent leather and well polished. I walked from the bedroom into the kitchen to kiss my wife goodbye when I stepped into a puddle. Well when one foot slides out the other has the habit of following right behind.

WHAM!! I hit the floor hard and since I am not called "the big one" for no reason a loud boom echoed through the house. Monsa just happened to be getting a new ice cube at the time and saw me fall. To him, and his juvenile outlook on life, he thought it was the funniest thing ever and started to laugh.
I laid there for a second checking to see if any bones where broken. None were and I got up to the sound of monsa hand laughing his furry butt off and my wife looking at me with less worry and more of a "what a klutz" look.
Monsa hand scurried across the floor towards me as fast as he could. Well running and laughing do not go good together so he ended up running right into the kitchen table leg. Of course turn around being fare play I laughed a little at him.
I stopped when I noticed a funny look on his face that soon turned into a big smile.
"My tooth popped big one, I got another tooth"
My wife picked him up and he was right. In the center on the bottom was his third tooth.

Well I was happy because, as the tooth finally showed up and the pain went away. I did chew on him just a little about being dumb for leaving water on the floor but I was so happy his tooth showed up. Three days of an unhappy sad monsa hand can wear on you.
So that night I went to bed with a sore back and he went to bed with a less sore gum line.

2004-04-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

I made a mistake and I feel really bad about it. You see we had a big party at work and some upper management people were down from headquarters. The local boss put out a nice spread and it was great. Every type of food and snack you could think of to eat, and that's what lead to my big mistake.
Over at one table were small baskets of chocolate of every description possible. Knowing I had a chocolate fiend at home I had to grab some. I took a napkin and scooped a few of every type. I knew I would like some later and the monsa would love me.
When I got home that night my wife was asleep and the monsa was in the basement watching TV. I dumped the goods on the table and went to bed for the night.

Now in life there are many ways to awaken. I like to be woken slowly with music, being woken suddenly with a monsa hand hugging your face yelling how much he loves the Big One is not the way I would ever want to awake to.
"What the .." I sat up and he rolled of my face onto the bed.
"I love you and.. and.. and I love you" he then collapsed into giggles and rolled onto his back.
My wife and I exchanged looks and I reached over and gently picked him up. His one red shot eye peered out at me from half closed eye lids.
" I really really love you Biggy" *hick*.

For a second my mind could not comprehend it. The furry guy was drunk. Now this was strange as I had no alcohol in the house.
"Did you drink something?" As I asked this I noticed chocolate around his mouth.
"Only chocolate in kitchen. good chocolate, yummy chocolate, happy chocolate. Super.." I placed a finger over his mouth.
"I'll check this out right now". My wife headed to the kitchen to check it out.
He just laid there. His legs hanging limp over the edge of my hand, a little chocolate drool coming from his mouth, his eye glazed in an alcoholic stupor.

"Dummy! You brought home a chocolate rum ball" she held up the offending item and the monsa suck marks were very evident.
"Look. Happy happy chocolate". *hick*.
Well with some warm cocoa and time he finally went from drunken stupor to after drunk sick. During this time we talked and I begged his forgiveness
I went and found the bad chocolate and several others I thought were also rum balls and threw them into trash.
I feel bad because I did not even think about it and his experience with anything like this is nil.
I guess that night I learned the bigger lesson then he did.

2004-04-28T12:55:00.000-05:00

Somedays I feel like the monster in the house.

The family room is in the basement and monsa hand has to go through the basement to get to his nest where he sleeps in the closet. I was watching TV and leaned back and started to snooze like normal. I awoke with the feeling all parents get when their kids are up to something. I looked down and scurrying across the floor was monsa hand.

Now this is normal because as he runs the only word to describe it is scurrying. Well he was scurrying across the floor heading for his area, but this time he was sopping wet and holding a big fish.
"Stop!" The stop and jump showed me he did not know I had opened my eyes, and that he was also caught red handed doing something he should not be doing..
"Why are you holding one of the neighbors Koi?" The said fish was flopping around in his arms and not very happy to be there, obviously.
"It's my pet and it wanted to come home with me and I will take care of it and I really will love it and I have a bowl of water for it and I..."
Shhhhh! I raised my hand into the universal halt sign.
"The fish is unhappy. Take it right back to the pond and.."
"But I want a pet and.. and.. and" He looked desperate to find the proper words that would let him keep the fish.
"No! Take it back right now" I emphasized this by pointing to the door. He sullenly took the fish out. The silent treatment I got the rest of the night was a refreshing break from the non stop questions and banter of that he normally is like.
But I still feel bad. Every kid, even monsa kids, want a pet every once in awhile, and we have to say no before a zoo is created. It still doesn't make me feel less horrible

2004-04-23T18:03:00.000-05:00

The little guys eating habits have changed over time. At first he only ate chocolate items. I know it sounds strange but that's what he asked for. I tried other food but nothing worked.
I did make a few errors when first feeding him. Reeses cups. A true no no. You see they have tongues that seems a mix of snake and dog, so they cannot get peanut butter off the roof of their mouth. The first time he almost choked to death. I didn't notice his struggling and the peanut butter build up in his mouth kept getting worse and worse. It seemed that even while struggling he kept eating. Well I helped him clear his mouth and for awhile PB was out, but he loved it.

One day by accident he found a little trick he could do. He takes a PB cup and "fangs it". Then he sucks the peanut butter straight down into his belly through the little fang holes. In reality a real smart idea. The PB shots straight past his mouth and he fills up and is happy. But ick. If you've ever gone into the family room after he has been up all night and see dozens of shriveled reeses cups all over you would be queasy. It's like a little PB vampire is living with us. Plus he slurps when he sucks it out. A truly stomach churning sound to hear through the house at night.

2004-04-22T01:29:00.000-05:00

Damn. I remember the first time we celebrated a "day after". It was Easter of 2000. I had gotten a big chocolate Easter bunny at work and brought it home. It was the hollow type and it sat on the kitchen table for days.

Well I finally decided to eat it one night and I went looking for it. Gone. I looked all over and even threatened to shave monsa hand if he had taken it, but he remained silent. I had to just admit that it was gone. My wife arrived home from work and as she was taking her jacket off said "Dear. Why did you leave the Easter bunny on the front steps?"
"What?" I headed for the door but was passes instantly by a scurrying monsa hand screaming "Run! Run! He's going to eat you! Ruuuun!".

Damn. I knew instantly he thought the bunny was real inside of the box. After grabbing him as he attempted to shut the front door I opened the container and unwrapped the bunny and took the aluminum off.

He looked at it funny but I noticed something. The second the wrapper was off and the smell of chocolate started to spread his nose twitched. I picked up the bunny, held it out to him and asked him to smell it.
He leaned in slowly. Took a slow sniff, and then backed up slowly.
"You covered him in chocolate?" He seemed very confused. I was planning not to shock him but knew I would have to.
"Watch." I held the bunny to the table top. My wife, in the background whispered "you better not do what I think you are about ....."
Snap I broke the bunnies head off, and in the same motion grabbed the monsa hand who had just turned and started to run by reflex only.

The hand I had grabbed him with also had the chocolate head. As I held him he slowly stopped squirming and biting me. I think the smell of chocolate made him slow down enough to take a look. Well with his interest peaked he slowly picked the head up, looked in the hollow, and whispered "are you in there?"

Well with no answer, and after a good examination of the body he agreed that no bunnies were hurt in the production of the treat. He then started to yell at me for being mean to him.

I, regretfully, did not get to enjoy a single darn piece of chocolate. Because my wife said that because I was mean to the little guy she would split it with him, alone. I was left out totally. I hate "day afters".

2004-04-21T13:24:00.000-05:00

Monsa hand has just learned the joys of books. It is nothing abnormal to come home and see him sitting on an open paperback reading. Right now he is into kids books. He liked the Curious George books and thought the monkey was funny, as he did many of the same things to my regret. He also likes the stories of Beverly Cleary. Just one problem, he takes to heart what he reads.

I realized this because one day he banished my wife from the basement.
He was laying down reading a book when my wife came in and laid down next to him. She was into a series of fantasy books and liked to read with monsa hand. Helping him with some of the words and meanings was a true joy for her.

Well this day as she laid down next to him he looked at her, stepped off his book, closed it, and pushed it about a foot away and started to read it again. Now even from where I was sitting I could see it was just a kids book he was reading. I thought he might be embarrassed by what he was reading, but why be embarrassed by this one?
Well my wife and I exchanged glances and she scooted closer to him. He then looked at her and repeated his actions. I and my wife, exchanged a bewildered glance. I motioned her to try again. This time she scooted closer to him, and before he could start shifting away she reached over to scritch him. "Are you ok hon.."

'Arrggghhhh!!!." He screamed, He jumped up and started towards the family room door. At first my wife and I were totally shocked. This was not the normal reaction of a scritch, it was not the normal reaction of anything.
Then the whole problem was exposed, causing my wife and I to collapse in laughter.
"Cooties, cooties cotties, she gave me cooties" He yelled this all the way into the bathroom for a needed cootie shower.
Cooties. Yep we learned that night he had entered the "All girls have icky cooties" stage of kid development.
The one good thing is the fact he is growing fast is the stages come and go fast.
But not fast enough for me...
or my wife.

2004-04-20T21:55:00.000-05:00

I have to keep the freezer padlocked. Honest! It's really strange and I am not sure how to say it, but the furry little guy is weird.
It started the day after my wife's birthday party. He had stayed in the basement with a nice big piece of chocolate cake with chocolate sauce on it. Well the next day I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of rocky road ice cream when he came into the room. After lifting him onto the table he looked at what I was eating and asked for a bite. Well I figured he had the same germs as I did so I put some on a spoon and set it down for him.
Damn. I have never seen anything like it before in my life. At first he flicked his tongue out and touched it. With a small nibble he slurped some in. A funny look crossed his face, his eye opened real wide, and he buried his head into the ice cream.
Sluuuuuurp!
He pulled his head out and his cheeks were bulging with ice cream. With a giant gulp he forced it down into his gullet. He paused, quivered, then shrieked. His eye rolled back and his head dropped to the table and he laid there still.
"Oh my god I killed him". I jumped up yelling for my wife who ran into the room.
We stood there looking at him. I thought he was dead. I was feeling like crap.
"I didn't mean to kill him. He asked for some ice...."
At this point he stood up. With a smile he asked "What is it?"
Well I was so damn happy he was alive I answered.
"Ice cream."
"I scream?" he asked?
"No, Ice cream"
"Yeah, yeah. I scream" and buried his head again into the I scream.
Well he gulped it down again, screamed again, and then collapsed. Again.
After several times of watching this my wife removed the "I scream" from the table and poured it into the sink.
"Noooooooooo!!" He wailed, jumped from the table, scurried across the floor, and tried to climb up the cabinet front.
Well that day we found the little guy has a problem with cold "I scream". We have to keep it locked up or the little screams in the night wake us. I will admit I indulge him sometimes and let him have little bowls to eat, but the second the screaming starts the bowls get taken away.
I am to this day not sure what effect it actually has, but we have to keep it away.

2004-04-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

He purrs!
Honestly! I was laying on the couch with monsa hand on my belly watching TV. I cannot even remember what was on, but it had something to do with food. At first I had no idea what was going on. I looked down and noticed his eye was shut and his head was laying on his front arms. He was purring as he slept.
I reached down carefully, as not to disturb him, and gave him a soft gentle scritch on the back of his head. The purring increased, and continued to increase in relationship to the amount of scritching I was doing. He was now purring so much that, from the other side of the room, my wife had set up from her chair and was watching.
I stopped scritching his head to see what would happen. Ever so slowly the purring subsided and soon faded into nothingness. My wife and I exchanged smiling looks as I nudged monsa hand gently. His head popped up and with a blinking eye and a yawn asked what was wrong. I asked him if he knew he purred as he slept.
With a huff he stood up and looked me in the eyes and said "monsa's don't purr, ugly cats purr, monsa's growl". With an air of indignation he walked from the family room with heavy foot steps. My wife and I were able to keep facial control until he was gone before breaking out into smiles and laughter.
Being a young monsa hand at the time he wanted so much to look and act like the big mean monsters on TV, and purring was not allowed. Purring was for cat's and girl's. His words not mine.
My wife and I never brought it up again because of his irritation, but every time he napped he would purr just a little, and I would smile just a little more.

2004-04-17T08:08:00.000-05:00

As much as I love the furry little guy he has made me change my life, and not always to the better. I miss good omelets the most.
It started when he was watching the dang discovery channel and they were talking about birds. Monsa asked me about eggs and I pulled out the old health book and gave him a little lesson on eggs, and babies.
Big friggin mistake. For you see, he was born from an egg and that gives him a certain empathy with all eggs. I did not know this until one day while cracking a big pile of eggs for my wife's famous wild west quiche. I heard this "epp!". I looked over and there stood monsa hand. His one eye was open wider then I had ever seen it, a look of horror crossed his face. With a scream he took off running to the basement, with me in pursuit.
"Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Don't eat me!" all the way down the stairs. I cornered him in his closet where, in a panic, he curled into the tribble like ball and closed the bad bad world out.
Damn! So after getting him uncurled, I spent the next hour counseling a poor sad monsa, who in his eyes had just seen mass murder. I explained that the eggs I buy were not fertilized and would never ever become a bird or monsa hand. At this point I had to go on the net and show him the entire chicken industry of America. That was a very unpleasant evening.
We tried in the following days to show him that the eggs were not monsa eggs, and that no baby chicks were inside. But no matter how prepared he was, even under the fur I could tell he grew pale and shivered with every crack of the shell.
So we gave up. We now live in a egg free house.
Well here I sit knowing my wife is cooking a cake using the most foul egg substitute ever created by man. Egg beaters.
I miss my quiche, I miss scrambled eggs. I feel guilty whenever I buy a sausage egg and cheese biscuit.
But I do love the little furry guy, so it is worth it....Mostly

2004-04-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

Now before you get mad at my wife, understand that Monsa hand and I had just gotten her mad minutes before and, well to put it nicely, the little furry guy got off light.
It was winter when we got monsa hand and things were like they always were during winter. We always wore heavy coats, gloves were left by the door, no one wore shorts, and my wife did not shave her legs so she could grow a "nice winter coat" in my words. Well winter was ending and my desire to see a well shaped pair of legs overcame my good sense so I planned an act of evil with monsa hand.

We had been sitting in the living room watching TV for a while. Monsa hand was in the middle of the floor sucking on a lollipop trying to count how many licks it took to get to the center. Every few moments he would look at me and smile. We had planned this for days and monsa hand was not good at "timing". At a nod from me Monsa hand jumped up and ran to my wife. He stopped at her foot, looked up with an angelic like innocence and asked the well rehearsed line, "Can I climb up your leg?"
My wife looked down in worry. Monsa hand had never been this cute and nice before. The word "Danger! Danger Will Robinson!" ran through her head. "Ok. But no claws for traction."

As he climbed up her leg to get to her lap her paused and hugged her leg. "I like your legs. It's like hugging a nice big furry monsa"

"Arrgghhhh!! Get off now!" she reached down and flipped him off onto the floor and started to storm off to the shower for a well needed ~~shearing~~ shaving.
This is where monsa hand shows his horrible timing. Jumping to his feet he looked at me and, with a smile said "It worked! It worked! We got her to shave her legs. Yippy!" The problem is she had not gotten out of the room. With a leap of quite desperate panic I fled towards the other door. I am not sure what impacted the door frame as I went through it, but I am sure of one thing ...

I deserved it.

Monsas have horrible timing.

2004-04-16T09:02:00.000-05:00

Monsa hand was a baby when he started to live with us. Cute, nice, adventurous, and absolutely no natural social skills.

He thought the only way to talk to us was to crawl onto us. Well I was ok with it after I got used to it, but after being thrown across the room with a screech from my wife he learned he should ask her first. That was one of the first house rules we had to lay down. I mean I was not bothered but my wife was less then thrilled to be woken up with something furry crawling over her. I also did not like being torn from sleep with a screaming wife. It makes it hard to fall back to sleep.

He also had to learn space. Places you did not intrude upon. Example would be the shower incident, or maybe phrased the shower horror. My wife had just walked past me with a very short robe on and went into the basement shower. I could hear the water running and all seemed calm in the world. Yes. I know. That is normally is when the dam gives way, and boy did it ever.

I first heard the standard "the monsa is up to something and has upset the wife" screech, followed by silence. The silence is not normal by any means. About a minute later I learned to my horror why there was the silence. Into the room walked a shaky, wet, shaved monsa hand. "Oh! My! God! What happened?" "I.......I.......I.....I just wanted to watch her shower and she yelled at me and was mean." He whimpered. "Did she do that?" Because although he had hair left most was shaved off and he looked horribly naked, and cold. "Yes! She is so mean, she grabbed her electric razor and did this.........Shave her!!!"

Well as I have explained, he had been warned and I could not feel to bad for him. I took him to the upstairs bedroom and went to my dresser drawer. My father in law had visited sometime before monsa hand had moved in and left some of his rogaine cream. FIL was going bald and fighting a loosing battle.

Well I applied some and told him that may help, but do not expect any results for ... FWWOOOP!!!

Standing in front of me was now a fully furry monsa hand. It was like a little hair bomb went off in him when I applied the rogaine. Now this was an unexpected result, at least speed wise.

So that day we each learned something. He would never walk into the shower to watch, and I learned the next time he was dumb and my wife shaved him I could rogaine his hair fully back, after a needed time of public suffering of course.

2004-04-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

Up until now monsa hand had been living on chocolate and softer foods because he had no teeth. I will admit it was cute when he smiled big at you and all you could see was a pink gummy maw. His cuteness was adorable and my wife soon agreed that we should try to help raise him.
About three weeks after he showed up we were watching TV and I noticed that he looked grumpy and was making sucking sounds with his mouth like he had a lollipop, but noting was in his mouth then, a true rarity. "are you ok monsa hand?". I asked because he looked unhappy.
"I'm fine, just leave me alone!" He jumped up and took off in a huff. I had by now learned how he ran so I intercepted him and after picking him up asked again what was bothering him.
"It hurts and I don't know why!" was his sad reply. I got him to open his mouth and saw on his upper gum line a small red spot.
Aha! I knew it. He was grumpy because he was teething. Now as I had no kids I was limited in teething knowledge but I was not totally ignorant either. I went and pulled an ice cube from the fridge and laid it in front of him. The confused pained look I got was sad and sweet, but when I informed him that the ice cube would help make it hurt less he attacked it with gusto.
It worked. I went that afternoon to a store and got an infant book on what to do and followed the instructions almost to the "T". I got some ambisolm for his tooth and that, plus ice, helped him till two days later a small white needle sharp fang popped out.
With in a week it grew to its full length and set nicely in his mouth.
Now how did I know how sharp it was? Because a primal instinct causes them to try out their new tooth and every time he did not like something I did, I had to pull him off my ankle chomping the entire time. Calling him snaggle tooth also got me chomped on, but he looked so strange for three weeks till the second one came out. He then became Vampire boy, with the resulting chomping on my ankles.
Such is life with a teething monsa hand

2004-04-14T01:30:00.000-05:00

Monsas love to have a little place they call their own. I use the word "nest" to describe where the live but they like to use the word "home". I did not know for days where he was sleeping, he just said goodnight to me and the misses and scurried out of the room into the darkness. Well the mystery was solved one day when I was cleaning out a closet and found the nest. It was a little corner behind some boxes. The small area was full of reeses cup wrapping and candy bar packages. All together about two weeks of my midnight snacks had found their way here, little shit that he is. I almost started to clean it out when I noticed a terry cotton wash rag laid out and well used. I could tell this was what he slept on. Being furry no blanket was needed at night, but the wash rag was so much better then the floor.
I knew I would be pissed if someone took apart my house, so I just moved the boxes back and left it as it was. I love the little guy and figured the loss of one small corner of one closet was worth the him being happy and having a place to call his own. We have moved many times since that first nest, and each time they find a little corner to turn into their own place. I have never mess with their nests for all the time I have had monsa hands living with me. It would be, well, rude.

2004-04-13T09:41:00.000-05:00

Monsa hands are one of the strangest creatures on earth. For example, everyone has seen rolly polly bugs. When you touch them they roll up and will stay thataway until they feel safe. Monsa hands do the same thing. Once I got so mad I yelled at him. I feel bad about it because he was just doing the same thing any other dumb youth would do, just in his own way. I yelled "damnit! You are in deep trouble". He looked at me, whimpered, and rolled himself into a furry tribble-like ball. Damn. I had never seen that before.

After picking him up I gave him a good look over. He seemed ok, just round. I was rolling him around and seeing if I could find where his head was when I heard him giggle. Aha! I touched one spot and the giggle repeated itself. After three times his head popped out yelling "Quit quit quit. I'm mad at you" then disappeared into the furry mass.

I then gently tickled the spot again where I realized his neck was and soon the head popped out again. This time I was ready and stuck my finger under his chin so he could not roll back up. "Listen you. I'm sorry but when you roll up you can't hear me. You shouldn't do that." I then apologized for yelling at him. He forgave me and we went and made some hot coco to drink. I also found that a belly of warm coco would get him happy in a heart beat.

2004-04-12T18:13:00.000-05:00

Having monsters can cause problems. Most you deal with when they occur, some you see coming but there is no solution. Today is one of them, You see we have four living with us now. The original monsa hand moved years ago and many have come and gone as we adopt, raise, love, and let go when the time comes. We made a large mistake, sort of, when we found that monsters could read. We learned this when one day my wife told me the c. h. o. c. o. l. a. t. e. was in the kitchen. Seconds later we hear a tearing noise and as we walk into the kitchen we see him eating a giant hershey's kiss. He looks up at us and through chocolate glazed eyes mutters g. o. o. d. . Damn! He can spell.
Well back to the subject on hand. There are two days in the year that monsas hold sacred. The are not the holiday's that you and I know so well. Nope. They are monsa holidays. They are called the "day after's". Yep. The day after Easter and the day after Halloween when the chocolate candies go on sale. Well saving up all the money they can earn and steal they give us a pile of coins and marching orders to go to the nearest market and buy! buy! buy!
So here I am, typing at my keyboard, while in the background the sound of monsas gorging themselves into chocolate nirvana are heard. I prepare for the cleanup, small furry upset stomachs, and a moody wife muttering about the little chocolate rats messing up her carpet again.
To us Easter, to them the "day afters".

2004-04-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

It took a but of time before he learned house rules.
Example.. My wife was going to make up a big pile of biscuits for breakfast. I was in the livingroom when I heard a shriek and a thud. I stood to run to the kitchen just in time to see a large cloud of flour float out through the doorway and a very very white monsa hand run out screaming "Not me! Not me! Not me!" all the way till he disappeared into the basement.
"Get him the heck out of the house now!" was the only comment my wife yelled as she started to clean. Knowing my wife I stood back as she banged around pots and pans and leaned the flour mess.
After 10 minutes or so she muttered "just keep him out of the darn kitchen"
I took a walk into the basement where monsa hand had made his own little nest in a basement closet.
"What happened?" I asked as I watched him clean his fur.
"I was sitting in the flour waiting for her and when she reached in for a handful I grabbed her as a joke..She threw me and the flour bag across the room..I liked it but she's mad at me." a sniffle arose and I knew I would have to do something soon or he would cry again.
"listen. She's not mad as much as startled. Just ask me before you try anymore jokes on her and things will be ok. Sound good?"
After agreeing to this I knew the little smuck would forget and do something else again.
I wonder how good my house insurance is?

2004-04-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

How does a monsa hand look? Well like a furry "it", but with an eye, mouth, little ear things, and pads for feet. I was holding him the first night and talking to him telling him about me and my wife when I felt a poke in the palm of my hand. I looked down slowly and he was looking at the his front left pad and jutting out of it was a small claw.
"Is this mine?" He was a little puzzled and I explained what claws were. Well we looked and he had a simple single claw on each pad, retractable just like a cats, but sharper then a needle.

Their body is covered with a soft fur and they are very vain about its condition. They start out about the size of a large jaw breaker and grow up to the size of a standard winter glove. Although some are a little more plump then the rest, they are overall the same general size.

Monsa hand, the original, has a brown eye with a little green on one side. I am not sure how they do it but even with one eye they have good depth perception.
Overall a rather handsome monsa hand. He was our first and the one we hold closest to our heart.

2004-04-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

"What is it and clean up the mess yourself"
That is not what I want to be welcomed home from work with. I walked into the bedroom and saw "it".
Laying amid a pile of candy wrappers and half eaten chocolate bars was the bloated, plump, monster thingy.
"Hi" I waited for a reply and soon it came.
BRAPPPP!!. "You're home big one!" was the first verbal response from the thingy.
I asked how much it ate while looking at all the wrappers. A sort of nirvana look appeared in its eyes as the reply "All I could" echoed forth.

It took a bit to clean up and I got my first lesson in monster knowledge.
They have a weakness for chocolate causing them to eat till they cannot force any more in. Chocolate is also good for bribery.
We sat and talked about what it was and where he came from. It really had no idea. All it could remember was popping out of an egg into a dark place with lots of scurrying and noise. He said he found a small place and hid till things got quite. He looked out and saw our livingroom and made a break for it, when he saw me coming he hid in my shoe and then I "attacked " him with my foot.
It took me but a mere minute to figure he came in a box of books we had just had delivered so he must have "popped" in the back of the truck.

I asked if he would like to stay with us. He asked if I could get more chocolate, when I replied yes he said ok but it took me the rest of the night to convince the wife. Mouse sized furry things that talk are not a ladies best friend.
He promised he would be good and never do anything wrong. My wife and I exchanged looks of total disbelief but decided to keep him.
We offered him several nice names but he decided on one of his own making. "Monsa Hand".

2004-04-10T14:41:00.000-05:00

The first time I knew monsters were real was when my shoe yelled at me.

I was putting on a pair of work shoes and as I picked them up, like normal, I unlaced them, like normal, and then started to slide my foot in when I heard a small yell of "don't hurt me" come from my shoe, definitely NOT normal.

I looked into the shoe and there "it" was. A small furry one eyed monster. To make it more the whole situation more strange it was crying. WT!. The Monty Python line ran through my head "and now for something different". I knew I was on no strange medicines so I said what anyone would say.
"Hello there!"
"Please don't hurt me. I'm small" this comment was ended wit a small wet sniffle.
Well he was small . I had to admit I always thought monsters would be a lot bigger. Less … squishable. It had four legs from what I could see and looked so much like a hairy "thing" from the Adams family. On the end of one long neck was a big soft sad eye. One single eye.

"Now why would I hurt you?" I mean I had not done anything yet and I was a little upset. After all this was my first monster experience. You're never offered a class for things like this in school.
" 'Cause your big".
Ok I admit it, I am big, but I have never hurt little "things".
"I will not hurt you. I promise. My name is Gunner. Who or what are you?"
A puzzled look came over his face and a small tear formed in his eye and he whispered " I don't know".
"Where are you from?" Good follow up question I thought but the reply was like the last.
"I don't know that either" now he started to sniffle. I say "he" because I could tell that he was a little boy, even in a monster boys are obvious.
"Well listen. I have to go to work, will you be here when I get home?"
A very puzzled look came over him. " You're not going to eat me?"
??????
"Now why would you think that?"
"Cause you're big and big things eat little things!" he said, as the sniffles become open bawling.

I reached into the nightstand where I keep my midnight stash of candy and pulled out a candy bar. Tearing the wrapper open as fast as I could I laid a small piece in front of him and said "Eat this, it will make you feel better". I am so glad I pulled my fingers back because he attacked it with the gusto of a famine victim.
"Chomp chomp slurp slurp.....Belch!!!!!!!!"
That was discusting.
"MORE!!" his eye was now locked on the candy bar in my hand, a primal glaze now on his face.
"Only if you stay till I get home" good demand I thought. Plus I had to show the wife that either I was nuts or reality just shifted ala "twilight zone" style.
"I'll stay, I'll stay, more! more! more! more!"
I threw the bar down and headed to work.

Thus I met my first, of many, many monsters.
And life just got weird